the karmic nature of my health

when I was first diagnosed with depression I was (predictably) wondering what the point was and, as I began to make my first recovery I struggled with how the depression had changed my life, taken away opportunities and stained my memories. Depression is such a pointless thing and i really was resolved to cancel my subscription especially as some very special people didn't want me to be sad.
Then I get the second health blow, I suddenly find I have a heart condition and my future options are even more limited.
Either of these health problems is bad on it's own but I suddenly realise the heart thing gives meaning to the depression. people (professionals) look at my heart diagnosis and sort of mutter things like 'this could kill you' they then offer counselling to help me cope. Ha I don't need counselling because I have had a low level depression for years and death no longer holds any fear for me as in:-
'you might die tomorrow'
'that's ok, I have nothing to live for' (Ok not strictly true, I have one thing left and when I get there it will mean I need to live for a very long time)

Suddenly I don't think I'm making sense but at least I've found a way for depression to make me happy. Isn't the human brain an amazing thing?

could this be it?

seems that the new medication is helping without doping me up so fingers crossed I can get back to work.
It's strange how I can measure the effectiveness of treatment by seeing events in my life recognising that I am almost automatically putting a positive spin on it.

I've had a terrible thought though. If my meds are now sorted and my mood is going to stay ok then what the hell am I going to write about?

More whinging

so...... I went back to the doctor and she was very apologetic. I lent her my list of drugs I can't have and she has scanned it into my notes.
The doctor managed to find an anti-depressant that I can have so all seemed well.She did comment on the fact that the new tablet might cause some drowsiness and said I should take it on an evening.

I stopped taking the original tablet and the following day I started the new one. The next thing I knew I was waking up on the sofa. I staggered up stairs to go to bed only to be told that the alarm had just gone off - time to get up!
I went to work but realised that I couldn't possibly drive so, with my manager's agreement I went home. That was a week ago. I am currently sleeping about 17 hours a day and feeling dizzy the rest of the time. Tomorrow I am going back to the doctors. I almost think I'd rather be depressed!

arggggg, get it right!

So, i started the anti-depressant and, as expected, it kicked in and I'm starting to feel more positive. The same issues are there and I still need to address them but now when I ponder I am not falling into a bottomless pit of despair but am constructing futures and seeing some positives whilst acknowledging the negatives.
Well that's great!
would be except......
I have now realised that the anti-depressant I am on is not to be given to people with Long QT (the heart condition I have recently found I've always had) because it lengthens the QT gap, which is already too long. This means that I will have to go back to the doctor, tell her that she prescribed the wrong stuff, come off this one and start another so god knows where my head will be.

bear with me lol

Not liking this

I have been decidedly shaky in the emotion department lately so this morning I went to see my doctor. She had a chat with me and has restarted my anti-depressants which I'm feeling pretty crap about. She advised me not to make any big decisions for a while but on my return home I sort of got talked into a corner and ended up sort of revealing my half formed feelings and showing my hand.

I'm feeling shitty at the moment but I still don't know where I'm going so bear with me.

oh and to finish the day nicely I got (admittedly mild) hate mail because I didn't answer someone's message quickly enough!

someone stop me!

This morning I have been on a training session on using the new nhs internet portal. It includes the usual self help and diagnostic tools which i foolishly played with.

I have depression (ok, I accept that)
I have a skin carcinoma (hope not)
I have a food allergy (oh no, not food please)

Luckily time ran out but please don't let me near that thing again.

Rollercoaster

Life is always a bit of a rollercoaster ride and I've had my share of ups and downs but I want to share that at the end of last week I had my first major down for quite a while. I had, naively, thought that I was over my anxiety and depression. I was off the medication and back in full time work but then, wham, a quick sudden dip on the Wednesday (pulled up short by a chat with someone close, thank you dearest friend) and then double wham, a major melt down on Thursday just as I arrived at work and leading to me being sent home.
It scares me but I know that these phases pass and that I am not alone, I feel ok now although still a little shell shocked.