what, no friends

A couple of days ago one of my daughters, in the heat of an arguement, told me that I spent all my time on the internet and that I didn't have any real friends, just internet ones.
To a large extent she is right in that I don't have friends who I meet with and stuff but I do take issue with her making internet and real friend mutually exclusive.
I have known some of my internet friends for about 7 years now and they probably know things about me that no-one else does. If I was looking for someone I could trust then I think (with very few exceptions) I would be looking to the computer.
I'm not saying that I have a lot of internet friends in the real sense but there are a few I know well and have done for quite a while and others who I have met more recently but are showing promise. I used to give my trust easily but I think I am wiser now and certainly more vulnerable so I proceed with caution and only a handful of people in this world know the real me.

if you've got it flaunt it

The big news on X factor at the moment is the call girl, Chloe, who has managed to get through the auditions. When it was discovered that she sells sex there were demands for her to be thrown out.
I think she is very lucky to have two saleable talents and she is right to use them both. I am a little jealous as I can't make a living with my voice or my body but, hey, perhaps one day I'll find my talent.
I do think that show business is pretty much into selling sex anyway but Chloe is just more honest about it.
above all other considerations she is from my area so I will obviously support her to the hilt (wonder if she wants a manager.....)

assorted secrets

I sometimes use applications on facebook such as honesty box and truth box (yeah ok I sometimes use 100's of applications but this isn't about my lack of life). It's interesting to offer people the chance to comment anonymously and I always hope that with the promise of anonymity people will be more likely to be honest. The only problem is that when I get into discussions I get a bit stuck because when someone asks me a question I don't know who I'm telling and, the truth is, there are some things that some people shouldn't know.
So these anonymous things are fine for a bit of fun or learning a few home truths but when it comes to revealing my feelings or stuff about me I like to know who I'm telling. I'm actually quite an open person but I'm not good at initiating conversation so I actually like people to ask me things. I never take offence (I might not tell all but will always explain why)and I really do prefer sharing with friends.

How to make money from the side effects of medication

Just now and again I've had a slight sight disturbance caused possibly by some of the medication I wolf down daily and possibly by my habit of staying up far to late.
This sight disturbance takes the form of double vision but I didn't realise this until after I'd sold all my duplicate DVDs on e-bay

Stuff Karma

I've always been a great believer in the karmic nature of life, turns out I have always been wrong.

Sunday: I spend my valuable time being a defender of man's friend the honey bee, extolling the virtues of this wonderful little worker and the value of honey to mankind. I suggest the planting of bee friendly flowers and ponder the possibility of installing a bee shelter in my garden.

Monday: running up my own drive I collide with one of my buzzy friends, he takes offence and leaves his abdomen protruding from my face a cm below my right eye.

Ouch!

secret lives

There are times when on a bus journey when I don't feel like reading and lack the inspiration to write. At these times I tend to observe my fellow passengers (some more than others) and imagine their lives. Following this train of thought does sometimes give me ideas for writing and it passes the time.
Recently I have discovered a new tool to aid me in my amusement\research - bluetooth!
All I have to do is go to the bluetooth on my phone and scan for new contacts and in no time at all I have a list of bluetooth devices in range. I'm not so much interested in the ones that are just a device name and apart from looking around to try to put names to faces stuff like Sue or Sue's phone are of limited value. The ones I like are the nicknames because then i can really have fun trying to fit nicknames to people, could 'fuzzmop' be the woman over there with frizzy hair? Is 'beaky' the guy with a rather large nose? who's 'donkey'? and why?
Suddenly a whole world of secret life possibilities is available and i have some possibly wonderful situations and characterizations for future use.

Just one thing I'd really like to know, who IS 'spunk gobbler'?

nothing really

I suppose we all go through phases when we aren't writing much and the idea fairy takes a break....
Anyway i decided to just sir down and type so goodness only knows what will emerge. It's been am up and down few weeks. As usual I'm spending far to much time on facebook. I've made a few new friends on there and having road tested them I have a fairly good idea which will work out and which won't. Friendship is always a bit of a risk, especially in the early days when you are sort of feeling your way but you do get a feel for who people are whilst swapping silly comments and poking.
I am constantly thinking about a very special friend who I know has had a tough time of late, I never stop thinking about her, usually I keep a positive spin on things but now and again the old negativity creeps in, that happened last night, I really plummeted and really suddenly but luckily my most stalwart friend happened to be on line and a simple hug arrested my fall (who would believe that several sets of brackets could do so much - perhaps there's a story or poem in that 'saved by parenthesis')

Hospital in the morning, would you believe this will be the first time I've seen the cardiologist on my own, not through my choice! At least I'll be able to talk about my issues without being contradicted or rubbished.

I'm loving my job at the moment, perhaps because I am working alone and being allowed to make decisions. Got some really nice compliments from customers today and asked one customer the question we've been dying to know for ages- what sort of doctor are you? she's a forensic psychologist, a real live cracker?

On the writing front there isn't much happening but I'm pleased to note that my Helium earnings are now at $32

Got your C card?

I've known about the C card scheme in my town for a while, I'm not sure whether it's local or national though.
The C card is a plastic card given to teenagers under 16 so that they can get free condoms without any questions being asked.
Last night my son came home from youth club with his C card and his supply of condoms HE IS 12 YEARS OLD.
My son knows about sex and about safe sex and he is bound to be interested but I advise him to wait a while yet, the local council knows better and are happy to provide 6 condoms a week to him.

I don't know why our country is having problems with under age sex

Condoms are available at the central library in my town so it was strange when a librarian complained about young boys harassing girls by making lewd suggestions and throwing condoms at them. 'Who the hell gives them condoms' she exclaimed. errr, we do

the karmic nature of my health

when I was first diagnosed with depression I was (predictably) wondering what the point was and, as I began to make my first recovery I struggled with how the depression had changed my life, taken away opportunities and stained my memories. Depression is such a pointless thing and i really was resolved to cancel my subscription especially as some very special people didn't want me to be sad.
Then I get the second health blow, I suddenly find I have a heart condition and my future options are even more limited.
Either of these health problems is bad on it's own but I suddenly realise the heart thing gives meaning to the depression. people (professionals) look at my heart diagnosis and sort of mutter things like 'this could kill you' they then offer counselling to help me cope. Ha I don't need counselling because I have had a low level depression for years and death no longer holds any fear for me as in:-
'you might die tomorrow'
'that's ok, I have nothing to live for' (Ok not strictly true, I have one thing left and when I get there it will mean I need to live for a very long time)

Suddenly I don't think I'm making sense but at least I've found a way for depression to make me happy. Isn't the human brain an amazing thing?

secret England fans

Absolute hell is breaking out in various fora and communities over the declaration that the wearing of England football shirts will be banned in pubs during the world cup.
I'm not sure what the rationale is behind this because it really is a case of Leopard's and spots. If a person is a thug or hooligan then making them into 'undercover' supporters won't change a thing. Perhaps it's about going into a pub awash with England shirts being intimidating for those who either follow another team or don't follow football at all. Sorry but that's reality, this is England and it is to be hoped that the majority of football fans will be supporting the 'home' team (no matter how embarrassing the government find them).
This issue isn't really about England fans as the same anger would be found on telling a Kiwi that they couldn't wear their All Blacks shirt or telling a Yankees fan that they couldn't wear their teams shirt on the day of the big game.

I am wondering if this is a clever ruse by the BNP to gain support. If it is, it appears to be working.

because my finger is on the literary pulse of the world.....

Fresh from my experience at the 2010 mobilemeet I bring you, my friends, the latest in current thinking, the very razor edge of the sharpest minds, the zenith of current research etc.
It may surprise you to know, if you have the odd book around at home, that you possess a therapeutic tool. Yes it's true! We had a speaker at the mobilemeet who told us so. Reading is a therapeutic activity!.
OK, I'm being unfair, we all know reading is therapeutic, many of us have experienced first hand the beneficial effects of literature.
What the speaker had very successfully done was to adopt and present a buzzword there-by taking a common sense, obvious fact and making it 'professional', 'sellable' and 'hip'. We don't say to someone 'sit down for 30 minutes a day and read and reflect we say 'I suggest you begin bibliotherapy as it may help with the issues you are experiencing'
The exciting and ground breaking things you should know
* People can recognise characters and situations in literature which are similar to their own and can use the fiction to see ways of dealing with issues
*reading helps the reader to experience emotions from a viewpoint other than their own
*reading about a situation can allow the reader to postulate on possible outcomes and use this model in their own situation.
*reading can help to positively modify mood.

The speaker told us, without any false modesty, that her initiative had made a massive, international splash so there is a lesson there. The thing is that the lesson is that we really should communicate better because 10 miles away a number of psychiatric workers had been advocating the same therapy for quite a while when she made her discovery.

so, there you go

Geek alert ;)

Tomorrow I will be attending the 2010 mobilemeet. Yep, it's the annual get together for mobile libraries where we get to look at each other's vans, discuss mobile stuff and generally enthuse about mobile libraries and their place in society. I've never been before but I'm taking Leeds Libraries' brand new van which will be one day old! I'm rather hoping that there will be a nice van from another area there and that we can get them together and have lots of little mobile libraries very soon.
There are even prizes for the best van's, fleets etc.
I might even take photographs

do you love my stripey t-shirt?

Yesterday was party day here as we had two birthdays in da house.
The kids had decided to have a chocolate fountain and had set it up in the kitchen before going off to do 'kid stuff'
So there i am feeding more chocolate into the fountain along side Sophie my daughter who was using a long spoon to coax the chocolate down to the centre. Quite suddenly the spoon caught under the edge of the 'tower' section which lifted up. The whole tower(full of liquid chocolate) started spinning wildly and we were treat to a chocolate shower which, because of the rotation, was in neat stripes. I hit the stop button and we took stock. Various people rushed around being very adult about the mess, the cleaning up, who's fault it was etc........And there, in the middle I stood laughing my chocolate coated socks off. I love being the oldest kid in the house!

Libraries are for wankers (a mystery explained)

Whilst parked at one of my stops today I found my entrance darkened by a group of 5 youths who, between them (and with some difficulty),read the large lettering on the van and deduced that this was a mobile library.
Hi, I said, by way of breaking the ice without confusing them
One of them started to laugh quickly followed by his pack (I am a funny guy but this was a better response than usual)
He looked at me for a moment and then opined that 'libraies are for wankers' (which was obviously a better joke than my 'hi' one)
'Ahhhh', I replied, 'I bet you never go to libraries do you?'
'fuck off' he replied 'I'm not a wanker' (his comedy routine was now really taking off, the audience were loving it)
'well, no, obviously' I replied 'you're hardly equipped for that are you'
It was a toss up whether they moved in on me or wandered off but after a moment of looking blank I think they forgot where they were and they slide off to spread their comedic cheer

Party held, lessons learned

Last night I had a party as the family are away. it wasn't a grand affair and thankfully all attendees behaved and there was very little clearing up to do this morning.
Both during and indeed after the party I found that |i was learning some valuable lessons which I would like to share here.

1. one is a good number of people to have at a party as it avoids both loving AND fighting

2. One is a terrible number to have at a party as it limits entertaining conversation (although that is surely what facebook is for)

3. If you want lots of cyber input you need to put all your friends in the same time zone

4. There is a limit to the 'damage' a drunk can do if he is the only drunk around

5. Stuff the damage, it's fun to get drunk with your friends now and again and errr, friends will forgive. Won't they?

6. The settee is really rather comfortable

I seriously need help with this

well, when I say seriously I mean 'it would be nice' to have some help but there is no doubt at all that I do need help, just not sure if it's with this or with other issues.
Be warned, what I am about to ask may (nay WILL) offend some people but that's because some people don't have a life and, as this is MY blog,quite frankly I don't give a damn (and I know my friends (who try very hard to understand my strangeness)will be able to sigh and say 'he's off on one again'

Hey look, I've written loads and I haven't said anything yet.

Right let's get down to it.

I have a mind to do some further study (hold the 'mind' comments until the end please) and I've checked out the local college with a view to some part time study.I wanted to avoid purely academic subjects and be a bit more 'hands on' and the course that caught my eye was being run by the school of beauty. Total body massage.
This course insists on a pre-acceptance interview as they apparently find it necessary to filter applications (god knows why).

A few brief facts about the course so that you can all help me out without flying blind.
* it is a 20 week course, 2 hours a week plus a 3 day residential

* numbers are limited to 12 people

* the nature of the course means that some nudity and body contact is necessary

* initial enquiries indicate that the average age of people doing this course is 22

* all applicants are female.

* The education authority has a 'no discrimination' rule

So, this is why I need help, firstly I haven't got a clue what they will ask me in interview, any ideas? and secondly, if you were writing me a reference what would you be saying?

I intend to put this blog entry on Google write and facebook as well as putting links on buzz and twitter so I should reach all four people I know ;)















a further point of information, this isn't serious
but just look at the tags I get to use

in honour of BOOBQUAKE

A feast of flesh
a man's best dream
a worthy cause
a swelling team
wacky clerics
serious studies
seismic data
and mounds of goodies
willing ladies
ogling men
I hope that
BOOBQUAKE
happens again

remembered promises

As I drove to Edinburgh last night i think the highlight must have been passing through the Lake District as the sun was setting. So beautiful, majestic and romantic.
It reminded me of a promise I made regarding a special holiday in the Lakes, a promise I fully intend to keep.
Those memories got me through the long journey and provided me with happy dreams when I got home :)

Use Google reader

I'm not one to 'sell' stuff and I have steadfastly refused to direct my hordes of fans and followers down many a corporate, profit motivated path but no-one has asked me to do this and I'm doing it for my benefit.
If you use Google mail or have a google account you may have noticed google reader (it's at the top of the screen when you are in g mail) I clicked it and tried it and I think it's jolly good. I have feeds from all my favourite blogs going there so it saves me rushing around trying to keep up. I can also follow friends but unfortunately I only have two on there and I want lots of friends. Reader incorporates some fancy statistics s well if you're into that sort of thing.I'm sure it works best if I have a better size friends group because there is a facility to flag up blog entries that you particularly like for you friends to look at. Another way of increasing your readership.

At death's door

I quite like having my head in the clouds and dreaming dreams but I was brought down to earth with a crash today when I received a reasonably long discourse on just how near death I might be. This was not a medical opinion as such just an interpretation of my heart condition. I know people die from it, I know it's 'other name' is sudden death syndrome, I know there are no guarantees OK.
I just rather not be told about it quite so often because knowing doesn't make any difference.

that darn cloud

seated firmly as I am in my own little world I have pretty much ignored the cloud of volcanic ash hovering high overhead. After all I'm not planning to travel, no holidays booked. However, my mum and dad were travelling, They were visiting a friend in Bavaria and were due to return yesterday. They phoned to say that they were delayed and expressed concern about not getting back on time but my feeling was that they are staying with a friend and they are both retired so why not enjoy their extended holiday.

Dad rang this morning to tell me that they have booked a flight for Friday night but it is to Edinburgh and they would have a long wait for a train home. Obviously, I offered to collect them and after mild rebuttals they agreed. I'm looking forward to my trip to Edinburgh and told them that I would have collected them from Bavaria :)
What they don't realise is that I meant it because I need an adventure.

News round-up

Today was the day we said goodbye to the Land Rover, originally belonging to my brother in law the car came to us when he passed away but it has been worked hard and seemed close to joining it's old owner (using the equation: value of car < cost of repairs). We have bought an ancient but venerable (and spacious) Toyota which seems like a good runner.
We have also said goodbye to my older son's bike (aged 4 months) courtesy of
*his trusting nature
*a mystery 'friend'
*an undisclosed number of thieves

A full report of the above 'none details' will be passed to the forces of law and order who will file it with all haste. Search parties will resume in the morning.

heart on sleeve and make believe

I have always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, as some readers may know, but anyone who has started reading this recently will not be aware of this because it has been winter here in the northern hemisphere and rather cold. OK, so already people are re-reading that first sentence and wondering just how it makes sense well never mind, we'll come back to that.
One of those facebook fortune tellers gave me some advice earlier. She advised that I discuss my dream with the one I love and there lies the problem or problems. Firstly I have several dreams each night and remember bits of some of them (the good bits) but she may have meant my life dream, my dream future who knows (these fortune tellers get away with a lot by being mystically vague). The second problem is, which one that I love? I love my mum, I love several members of my family, I love some of my friends and I love some more than others. So, is the dream in question the one that really sticks in my mind from last night and if so should i discuss it with my mum (who would no doubt enjoy the level of sexual knowledge\content in my dreams) or with one of my friends who might be surprised\shocked\excited that she starred in my dream.
There again, perhaps I was supposed to discuss my life dream but Mum doesn't need to know yet and the person it concerns already knows. So having said that perhaps it's just as well that I'm not wearing my heart on my sleeve today because that might be a little embarrassing for the 'big crush'.

Oh yes, obviously in winter no-one is aware I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve because I nearly always have my coat on.

out of line

today I was thinking about straight lines, don't ask me why because I don't know I guess i am just blessed with truly random thoughts and this means I can spend long periods alone without getting bored.
Yes, lines, straight ones, boring ones, not a single kink, not a solitary bend and I like kinky, I like a bit of unexpectedness, a few bobbley bits and one or two random changes of direction. The best thing that can be said about a straight line is that it's quick as in the shortest, the most direct route. I like that it's quick because it's over sooner and I can get back to meandering. Meandering, now that IS good it's full of sexy curves and nice surprises, it's serendipitous and serendipity is precious to me because it has adventure and lots of learning, there are no sharp angles with meandering so no nasty corners to bang yourself on every change of direction is smooth and easy and that's the way i aspire to be.
AS I write the story of my life I want to remember that life shouldn't be a straight line birth--------------------death it should be full of curls and loops, it should be twisted and kinky and most of all it should have a healthy dose of unexpected. Yes the story might have me walking off cliffs but I'm writing the next chapter as well and that's the chapter where the parachute opens or the trampoline comes into view.

Hmmmmmmm, yes, straight lines. Interesting

I promise I won't go on about this

Life can be very confusing I have found and I, like many others, seek to develop 'life rules' and principles that I can apply to my life to make it more straight forward. One of the big rules for me is that I don't break promises and yes I do fail in this sometimes but I like to think that when I promise something I will make every effort to deliver.
I just believe that 'promise' is used too lightly these days and that this devalues my promise because no-one really believes me when I say I promise I will always.....
The problem is that I make to many promises and I really do get bogged down with them. I promise to attend a function and I will be there even if something better comes along; promise to take the kids somewhere and it will be done even if I'm knackered; promise to be there for someone and I am, always. I believe that a promise lasts until it is fulfilled or until the promisee releases me from my promise.
I can't remember what the point of this blog was now but I promise that if I remember I'll come back and finish it.

the real deal

Tonight I shall be at the pub. Not a normal Saturday for a toad but on this occasion I feel justified. Eldest daughter and I are helping out at a fun casino night in aid of a local hospice so I shall be at the tables, probably dealing blackjack, and trying to be charming. I would like to say that I am giving my services free but, the deal has been struck between the organiser and my partner and daughter and there will be a payment. The way i see it is that I won't see the money anyway so I might as well tell the charity to keep the money lol.

crazy toad hits the road

that title may be misleading as I didn't hit anything and my sanity isn't an established fact.

However.....

I realise in my odd moments of lucidity that I must appear rather, odd as I bowl along in my bright red library van, singing happily to myself and grinning like a Cheshire cat. I do enjoy my work and further, I enjoy my trip to work, I enjoy driving between stops and I enjoy going home.
travelling gives me chance to smile at more people and, driving is a great occupation for someone who likes to let their mind go wild. I have all my best (not that that's saying much) ideas as I drive and often begin the writing of poems in my head. Often I forget everything if there are customers waiting but these are the perils of the travelling library and no-one said it would be easy. Actually a lot of people say it's easy but don't let word get out.
You would be amazed at the stuff that goes on in my head as I drive (certainly scares me) and often's the time I've found myself grinning, what must my fellow motorists think?

easily amused

now this may get a little frightening so don't be afraid to run away.

Today I have been thinking about lap dancing (which means this blog will get more hits than usual)

Now I'm aware, without being vain, that I'm a bit of a sex god but on this occasion I wasn't thinking about performing a lap dance although that isn't a definite no because I do need money and\or appreciation constantly. Oh no, today i was thinking about receiving a lap dance, which I haven't (who has money to spare for these basic needs these days). In actual fact I've only ever been in a lap dance club once. And it was closed. And I was only there to service the sanitary bins. I digress, which may be the safer course, so, i was saying, I was thinking about being the recipient of a lap dance, wondering, I suppose, what it feels like etc etc.
I think I would feel rather uncomfortable, I'm ok with nudity, I've done it, and I'm ok with dancing, I've tried to do it but the whole 'you will perform for me' thing is contrary to my nature and I'm sure I'd be saying 'have a sit down, love, let me do a bit for you.
I mean, you chose a woman who conforms to your idea of beauty\sexiness whatever and then she effectively does the old mating dance right in front of you and gets her kit off AND YOU CAN'T TOUCH! that's not natural (I'm not saying a man has the right to take what he wants from a woman so don't start preaching feminist stuff at me). What I'm saying is that if i (assuming I feel free to seek a partner) see a woman who I think is wonderful and sexy and lovely blah, blah and she likes to discuss poetry and literature and doesn't take life too seriously etc what should i do, should I offer her some money so that she can get me rather uncomfortably turned on then dash off to the toilets to give myself a consolation prize or should I engage her in conversation, dazzle her with my wit, charm her with my gentlemanly manners and then invite her back for coffee and confess that I do have this fantasy as I slip on some sexy music..........

Just to let you know

Yesterday My partner requested that I find alternative accomodation for myself (this is the shortened version of events) by the end of this week so I guess I'll start looking. There may be some disruption to my blogging etc.

Don't you just hate genes

As you may know My son, Jack was diagnosed with Long Q-T syndrome a while ago and then I was found to have the same gene late last year. As a result of this my parents were tested as were Jacks siblings. Yesterday was results day. We now know that my dad has the gene (and passed it to me) and Rebecca and Sophie also have it. There is supposed to be a 50% chance of inheriting the gene so it appears that maths wasn't god's strong point. Thomas is now the onlt one of my children who hasn't received this special gift from me.

I continue to worry about the effect this condition will have on them all although for myself I just carry on much as I did. The children have all their lives ahead of them and they now have to re-examine their hopes and aspirations. Sophie actually said to the genetacist 'I am not going to change anything, I'm not taking beta-blockers and I'm not slowing down, I will enjoy my life however long it is'
I actually feel the same, I only have one more thing on my list of 'must do' and I'm not going to write it on a public blog (not that it's a great secret).
If you have a god, ask your god\godess to smile on us. If you don't have a deity then feel free to join anyone else who feels like it in smiling because a world full of smiles is bound to be fun.

the secret life of toads

I have an admission to make
I like to visit friendship\dating sites.

So am i one of these sleazy old married men who pose as someone else in order to lure young innocents to a terrible fate? well hopefully not!

Just suspend your belief for a moment.Firstly I don't mean the 'sex' sites and I use my real age and marital status and I'm upfront about who I am and the reason I am there. I'm there because I like to say nice things to people (it gives me a buzz) and, if I'm honest I like people to compliment me. My favourite place at the moment is Social me (on Face book) because all I do is tag people with tags such as funny, cute, pretty, drunk. I tend to avoid tags like sexy an hot because that gives the wrong signal.
Normally I don't have any communication but now and again there might be a short chat. Yesterday I tagged someone as cute and she replied that i was cute too. I explained about liking to make people feel good and she agreed that we were both happy to have been affirmed.
Very rarely someone might 'come on' to me but they won't get anywhere because , I am a married man AND heart, soul and body belong to someone special.

A strange dream

Last night I had the strangest dream, (argg earworm) actually it was the night before but I'm slow to blog.

As is often the case the details of the dream have eluded me but the overall theme gave e pause for thought.

I dreamed that i was a super hero and throughout the dream I encountered many friends I know from the net and, in each case, sorted out\fixed\made better some issue they were facing. If my memory serves me correctly the issues were all real ones that I am aware those friends have.
The interesting thing was that my power was such that it acted in a covert manner and no-one knew I had done anything except me so, there were no adoring fans or ticker tape parades just a lot of happier people and a happy Tim.

So, it seems to me that this dream was about wish fulfilment, I often wish I could do something to help friends but as i am there is little I can do.Give me the power and this is what i would do, help out those I care about, rescue them from crappy situations, restore broken links, give health etc.

I'm not even sure if you can be a super hero if no-one knows you're doing anything.....

sleepless with some prattle

bear with me.
yesterday i went along to watch my daughter, Soph, playing football.Her team only had 9 players so they were under strength and had no subs. Early in the second half Soph did one of her legendary sliding tackles which normally results in the opposing player giving her a wide berth for the rest of the match (if they are still able to walk). They lost the match 7-4 and after a brief stop for coke and chips Soph headed of to the gym and did 3 hours there.

Jump to yesterday evening. Soph complains that her knee is painful but we all think it will be ok (just a slight swelling). At 10 pm She is in a lot of pain so I Offer to take her to the hospital but she doesn't want to make a fuss so she goes to bed. She lies in bed groaning and whimpering and at almost Midnight agrees that she will go to hospital. So leaving my beloved FB, Helium etc I take her. We are equi-distant between two large hospitals so I take her to the quieter one because it Will be quicker. What I didn't consider was that, because it is quieter, it would have less staff so we arrive at 00:10, we are seen for triage at 01:00, by the doctor at 04:00, x-ray at 04:30 and given equipment and pain relief at 06:15.
She has damaged the soft tissue around her knee (she felt it twist when she did the tackle) and is now splinted and on crutches. She should refrain from football and other exercise for perhaps as much as 6 weeks (and considering that she is studying PE and football at college that isn't good. I suggested that it might be a good time to do lots of theory work and almost got a crutch wrapped around my head :)

blah blah

just thought I'd drop in and blow off some steam.

Spent a while this afternoon watching my family disintegrating and feeling as though I was watching from the outside. How strange that I felt no real emotion, that I could see all the anger and the vitriol and do nothing but hum quietly to myself. Hey perhaps I've finally lost it!

Moving on to other things I found I had two anonymous replies on my blog today. One, on a post about England's performance in the rugby world cup final (how long ago is that!) saying that the writer disagreed with me and could provide evidence if I just got in touch via PM errrrr, you're anonymous mate! and do i really care, my blog=my opinions. The second 'reply was on my flash 55 yesterday. Bloody spammer, I do not like people using my work to push their crap, my friends don't need it and I don't want it. I do not want to go down the road of checking stuff before it is allowed because I'd rather trust people to be nice (maybe that is my failing)

On a much more positive note , I'm enjoying writing again and just hoping that people aren't getting sick of me pushing my writing down their throats, going back to helium has done me good, I have re-discovered some old friends and made some new ones. Wow, two of my kids are writing on helium now. Jack lied about his age and signed up and Sophie re-activated her old account and has a poem at the number 1 spot (out of 112) which has made me very proud (and, as I introduced her I will earn a little on her success lol)


There, I feel better now, don't be strangers xx

theatre - flash 55

A silence fell around the theatre, all eyes on the maestro as he carefully picked up his instrument.
He cleared his throat and moistened his dry lips.
In a state of near zen like calm he turned and scanned those watching him, he broke the silence.
Today I will begin by making a lateral incision……


Flash Fiction - Each Friday, a happy band of talented writers compose a short story of 55 words - no more, no less. If you would like to join in the fun and games... post your story and report to the boss -G-MAN
http://g-man-mrknowitall.blogspot.com/
If you're not interested in contributing a story, feel free to read the other entries. I'm sure any comments you have would be appreciated.

Health (or lack of it) update

So, if you are here you obviously want to know how my health is. If you have made a wrong turn or suffered a moments foolishness and ended up here by accident please close your eyes now.

Ah, still here ok then prepare to be bored.

Attended the doctor's this morning and did another fairly simple 'level of depression' test (this is largely a waste of time as I used these for years and know all the right answers to produce a desired outcome). The doctor, the test and I agreed that I'm making progress and that the medication is fine. The plan is that I should remain on the medication for about 6 months and ignore anyone who tells me to stop taking it.
Then we reviewed the medication for my heart. The doctor showed me a letter from my consultant instructing her to increase the dosage. The dose started of low because it slows my heart and I am already bradicardic(sp?).Apparently the plan was to make sure I could tolerate the lower dose before stepping up to a more therapeutic dose. I wonder if they are going to keep uping it out of some sort of morbid interest in how much I can tolerate lol

Loyalty

there's a relatively new application on facebook which allows you to write nice things about your friends, the aim is that everyone on facebook will end up with a list of 'what we like' about them which i think is a wonderful idea.
Today one of my friends wrote something about me which made my day and almost reduced me to tears i was so genuinely surprised and touched. One of the things she said was that I was loyal to my friends and that gave me pause because i wondered a. who i class as my friends and b. what does loyalty mean.

I have 350ish 'friends' on facebook and I am trying to sort out what to do with them lol) but real friends? I have perhaps 5 or 6 and they are not all on my friends list even though I met them all through the internet and they are all on facebook. So that is a manageable number and I can be 'loyal' to them lol.
Loyalty, to me, is about accepting people as they are with their bad stuff as well as their good, none of us are perfect (me less than most) but in friendship we accept each other as we are and that is important. Some of my friends I have known for a relatively short time, others for a good few years and amongst the few there are friends who I was almost out of touch with at times but could pick up where we left off. I know that we all need to do stuff we don't like or which we find difficult sometimes and part of my idea of loyalty is to accept that and be there when the time comes to pick up. I very rarely offer a forever to someone but for those few friends that is what they have, for better or worse, they are stuck with me.The nature of our friendship may be fluid but the friendship will always be there because in my small group of friends I have people I can trust, people worthy of my loyalty.
And now I'm rambling lol, see, only a real friend would put up with this.

A different angle on divorce

it has been said that to walk away from a marriage is a selfish act (not important who said it) but I wonder.
Is it selfish to assert your own needs after not doing so, is it really selfish to recognise that you have some meaning as an individual? Self isn't a 'bad' thing and making a decision to move on isn't an unfeeling decision.
Look at it this way when you walk away from a partner whether it be of 2 weeks or 20 years it's not about what you are taking away from them so much as how much you have given them throughout your time together. Certainly if it is a long relationship which is approaching closure you have given that partner some of the best years of your life. Selfish? I think not. You deserve something for yourself.

who are you?

just read a post on a friend's wall at FB and it made me think.
The poster mentioned that, seeing my friends name, she didn't know who it was because she only knew her by her alias on another web site.
It made me laugh because I do the same thing all the time and looking at friends on facebook I very often don't make connections until much later. Personally I try to use the same alias as much as possible to improve peoples chances of recognising me.
One problem now, finding people who actually want to know me lol

damn you facebook

Yes, damn you and double curse you for your trickery and your lies.
You take my life and turn it into a freak show you give me friends and tell me they love me\hate me\want me you tell my future, reveal my past, steal my present........
You let me flirt, propose and play but make my every gambit into a button press every bouquet a click. I've shared your cyber coffee and cake, I've ticked your boxes and sold my soul and for what? enhanced scores and popularity points!
you've put me in a world where people receive gifts daily, expensive flowers, firemen and pets exchange hands constantly and any real gift is pale by comparison. you encourage me to tell friends and strangers that they are nerdish, hot, a ten, a one (I tried this on the bus, the doctor says I should be able to use my arms and legs again some day)
Yes, facebook you have reduced my life to a series of clicks. I hate you
Have to stop now, I can see the notifications building up

Flash 55 - the Ring

Their meetings were magical yet, always, one thing hurt her.
She hated that ring, there as a constant reminder that he belonged to another.
Tonight was no different......until he told her he had scratched her name inside. Now they both knew she was ALWAYS with him. The ring a promise to keep her always.

Flash Fiction - Each Friday, This group of flashers compose a short story of 55 words - no more, no less. If you would like to join in the fun and games... post your story and report to the boss -G-MAN (http://g-man-mrknowitall.blogspot.com/) If you're not interested in contributing a story, feel free to read the other entries. I'm sure any comments you have would be appreciated.

Happy Valentines day

Valentines day! What a lovely day, full of romance, joy and promises both made and fulfilled. If you are with your true love anyway.

This year I wrote a short verse to try and express my feelings, it's not brilliant but it is from the heart. Then I realised that I really didn't know what to do with it. To send it to it's intended recipient might do more harm that good at the moment and yet not to send it would feel like denial.
So, I put it in a bottle on www.oceangram.com and threw it into the cyber sea. I did this because stating\writing the dream makes it more real for me.
One day she will be able to read what I wrote but somehow I know that she will feel the love that is in my note anyway.

To those of you who are spending this Valentines day with someone special, enjoy. I am happy for you and the happiness and love you feel today will be mine one day soon

I'm a very naughty bookcrosser

I've been with bookcrossing about 6/7 years now and I'm not nearly as active as I used to be but what I am about to reveal is beyond bad.

In 2006 a dear friend started a journal complete with a list of friends around the world who wanted to share in the journals journey and add to it. The aim was that, once it was full or had visited all interested people it would return to it originator. I was the first port of call and I found it in a pile of books yesterday.
I have to say it was wonderful to read the entry that had been made and it brought back some wonderful memories and reminded me of a few important 'life lessons'

I feel terrible about this and I intend to e-mail the journals originator and ask whether they want it back or want it sending somewhere else.

Can I really have friends who are NOT on my friends list on Facebook?

I use facebook as a background thing and have it on running in the background quite a lot. When I'm bored I tend to trawl the applications and have a play. At the moment I'm using a lot of the applications which ask you for opinions on people from your friend list stuff like Would you hug x; what do you think x is doing now; does x have bad breath etc etc. I came across an application the other day which was slightly different in that it asked stuff like who has made you smile the most; who has had the biggest impact on your life in the past year or who have you been closest too. In each instance I needed to enter the relevant name (in fact it was the same name for all three questions). The problem was that name isn't on my facebook friends list so I'm not allowed to choose it.
So sorry 'Friends exposed' I won't be using you.

Oh and on the subject of these applications if you would rather I didn't answer questions about you just let me know and I'll skip them. Of course then you'll never know if I would kiss you on the lips or cheek, skinny dip with you or make out with you ;0)

I have definately gone 'weird'

Oh dear, I've found myself enjoying work and not only enjoying work but wanting to be at work when I'm not. I have always enjoyed this job, how lucky am I!
The news that my colleague will be spending some time away made several people comment that it was going to get very lonely for me but I have my thoughts, my books, my computer and my writing and I really struggle to fit it all in as it is.

Perspective

I'm pretty active on facebook and have a friend list that hovers around 350 (not that I really know them all). I notice that the total number changes constantly as I add people or take them off, people will also decide to 'unfriend' me - it happens.
Over the weekend I was catching up with my facebooking when I suddenly realised that someone had 'unfriended' me but the point was that it was one of the people who was very important to me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not having a go about this person moving out and it in no way changes the love and respect I have for them but I have to admit that my heart sank at that moment.
Literally a minute after my son called me over to see a message on his FB. The message told us that his friend's grandad (a family friend) had died. He had a fast acting cancer and was in his 60. Perspective time. He is gone, his family and friends will not see him again.Ever. My friend has just moved if I ever really need to ask or say something I can find many ways of doing so and the friendship hasn't died, it's just sleeping.I am happy for my friend that they are able to make changes and happy for us both for the good things we have shared.

the blogging future

well, I decided on the future of this blog. After considering feedback and carefully analysing the demographics I will be keeping the blog public this is because

a. I have absolutely nothing to hide from the current readers I know of

b. Any random members of the public who wander in can think what they like because they have no influence or part to play in my life

c. If people close to me decide to come and read the blog then they will just have to accept who I am and live with it (or not) their decision.

I am me and from now on when life gives me lemons I will juggle with them (and perhaps throw the odd one at those who deserve it)

could this be it?

seems that the new medication is helping without doping me up so fingers crossed I can get back to work.
It's strange how I can measure the effectiveness of treatment by seeing events in my life recognising that I am almost automatically putting a positive spin on it.

I've had a terrible thought though. If my meds are now sorted and my mood is going to stay ok then what the hell am I going to write about?

once more into the breech....

Yet another visit to the doctor. It's getting difficult to find meds that I can have! but here we go with another. I stopped taking the one that was knocking me out yesterday and hardly slept a wink all night. The doctor gave me a sick note for a week to give me chance to adapt so we'll see how it goes.
Just one complaint, those other tablets did make me sleep a lot but there was a plus side, I was having rather good dreams (wish I could remember them better because I could probably sell them to Playboy)

More whinging

so...... I went back to the doctor and she was very apologetic. I lent her my list of drugs I can't have and she has scanned it into my notes.
The doctor managed to find an anti-depressant that I can have so all seemed well.She did comment on the fact that the new tablet might cause some drowsiness and said I should take it on an evening.

I stopped taking the original tablet and the following day I started the new one. The next thing I knew I was waking up on the sofa. I staggered up stairs to go to bed only to be told that the alarm had just gone off - time to get up!
I went to work but realised that I couldn't possibly drive so, with my manager's agreement I went home. That was a week ago. I am currently sleeping about 17 hours a day and feeling dizzy the rest of the time. Tomorrow I am going back to the doctors. I almost think I'd rather be depressed!

arggggg, get it right!

So, i started the anti-depressant and, as expected, it kicked in and I'm starting to feel more positive. The same issues are there and I still need to address them but now when I ponder I am not falling into a bottomless pit of despair but am constructing futures and seeing some positives whilst acknowledging the negatives.
Well that's great!
would be except......
I have now realised that the anti-depressant I am on is not to be given to people with Long QT (the heart condition I have recently found I've always had) because it lengthens the QT gap, which is already too long. This means that I will have to go back to the doctor, tell her that she prescribed the wrong stuff, come off this one and start another so god knows where my head will be.

bear with me lol

don't read this if you hate whingers

I'm just going to say this once because once is enough to get it out of my system so please bear with me for a moment.

At the moment I'm losing the struggle with depression and anxiety, I've re-started my medication but they they time to kick in. The truth is I feel like giving in but I am just going to wait, wait for something good to start happening or wait for the end. Just waiting.

(I don't usually tell people when I'm feeling this bad)

I know that I am at a stage where every thought and deed is self destructive and that I have\will destroy the good things in my life so I really need to shut up and let it pass but then I also feel that I need to constantly provide assurances that I do value the good things and that gets counter-productive so.....

Part of me knows that this will pass and I just wonder if there will be anything left when I emerge.

Not liking this

I have been decidedly shaky in the emotion department lately so this morning I went to see my doctor. She had a chat with me and has restarted my anti-depressants which I'm feeling pretty crap about. She advised me not to make any big decisions for a while but on my return home I sort of got talked into a corner and ended up sort of revealing my half formed feelings and showing my hand.

I'm feeling shitty at the moment but I still don't know where I'm going so bear with me.

oh and to finish the day nicely I got (admittedly mild) hate mail because I didn't answer someone's message quickly enough!

take heart

having not blogged for months I now find myself writing the 3rd blog of the day. Talk about opening flood gates.

On Christmas day I started on the medication that I will probably be on for the rest of my life. It's a beta blocker and it is supposed to stop my heart going into arythmia (because I have been diagnosed with Long Q-T syndrome). When they told me I had this syndrome I actually laughed because it is at it's most dangerousin the teens and can be fatal. So there i was laughing in the face of death. The consultant talked to me about medication, I was goin gto say don't bother but he said there was still a risk and that the medication would reduce this by 50%. Being a coward I went for the longer life option. THEN he says we will have to be careful because I already have a tachycardic sinus rhythm so the medication might make it too slow.
(sorry I'm rambling).
So here I am a week into medication and every day I have a strange sensation in my chest. Unfortunately I have also suffered from anxiety so that muddies the water. he point is suddenly it's not a joke any more and I'm scared.
I have things, important things, I want to do with my life and the reminder that I am mortal worries me. I suddenly feel that I want to rush into things that should take time and that upsets the balance.

Oh well, that's enough of that, I've ranted enough :0)

I'm not really here

I haven't blogged for a while (sorry to both my readers, if there are still that many) The reason is that life is getting complicated and I don't really feel I can blog about it all because, as it stands, this blog is a public forum and there are people out there or I don't particularly want to read my blogs.
I now have two choices
1. scrap this blog and just put writing etc on the other one
2. leave it alone and perhaps write the very occasional 'clean' post
3. make this blog private and invite those who I am comfortable with (and who can put up with my whinging)

so oh you legion of followers, tell me what to do

oh and a belated happy new year :0)

xxx