the karmic nature of my health

when I was first diagnosed with depression I was (predictably) wondering what the point was and, as I began to make my first recovery I struggled with how the depression had changed my life, taken away opportunities and stained my memories. Depression is such a pointless thing and i really was resolved to cancel my subscription especially as some very special people didn't want me to be sad.
Then I get the second health blow, I suddenly find I have a heart condition and my future options are even more limited.
Either of these health problems is bad on it's own but I suddenly realise the heart thing gives meaning to the depression. people (professionals) look at my heart diagnosis and sort of mutter things like 'this could kill you' they then offer counselling to help me cope. Ha I don't need counselling because I have had a low level depression for years and death no longer holds any fear for me as in:-
'you might die tomorrow'
'that's ok, I have nothing to live for' (Ok not strictly true, I have one thing left and when I get there it will mean I need to live for a very long time)

Suddenly I don't think I'm making sense but at least I've found a way for depression to make me happy. Isn't the human brain an amazing thing?

At death's door

I quite like having my head in the clouds and dreaming dreams but I was brought down to earth with a crash today when I received a reasonably long discourse on just how near death I might be. This was not a medical opinion as such just an interpretation of my heart condition. I know people die from it, I know it's 'other name' is sudden death syndrome, I know there are no guarantees OK.
I just rather not be told about it quite so often because knowing doesn't make any difference.

Don't you just hate genes

As you may know My son, Jack was diagnosed with Long Q-T syndrome a while ago and then I was found to have the same gene late last year. As a result of this my parents were tested as were Jacks siblings. Yesterday was results day. We now know that my dad has the gene (and passed it to me) and Rebecca and Sophie also have it. There is supposed to be a 50% chance of inheriting the gene so it appears that maths wasn't god's strong point. Thomas is now the onlt one of my children who hasn't received this special gift from me.

I continue to worry about the effect this condition will have on them all although for myself I just carry on much as I did. The children have all their lives ahead of them and they now have to re-examine their hopes and aspirations. Sophie actually said to the genetacist 'I am not going to change anything, I'm not taking beta-blockers and I'm not slowing down, I will enjoy my life however long it is'
I actually feel the same, I only have one more thing on my list of 'must do' and I'm not going to write it on a public blog (not that it's a great secret).
If you have a god, ask your god\godess to smile on us. If you don't have a deity then feel free to join anyone else who feels like it in smiling because a world full of smiles is bound to be fun.

Health (or lack of it) update

So, if you are here you obviously want to know how my health is. If you have made a wrong turn or suffered a moments foolishness and ended up here by accident please close your eyes now.

Ah, still here ok then prepare to be bored.

Attended the doctor's this morning and did another fairly simple 'level of depression' test (this is largely a waste of time as I used these for years and know all the right answers to produce a desired outcome). The doctor, the test and I agreed that I'm making progress and that the medication is fine. The plan is that I should remain on the medication for about 6 months and ignore anyone who tells me to stop taking it.
Then we reviewed the medication for my heart. The doctor showed me a letter from my consultant instructing her to increase the dosage. The dose started of low because it slows my heart and I am already bradicardic(sp?).Apparently the plan was to make sure I could tolerate the lower dose before stepping up to a more therapeutic dose. I wonder if they are going to keep uping it out of some sort of morbid interest in how much I can tolerate lol

arggggg, get it right!

So, i started the anti-depressant and, as expected, it kicked in and I'm starting to feel more positive. The same issues are there and I still need to address them but now when I ponder I am not falling into a bottomless pit of despair but am constructing futures and seeing some positives whilst acknowledging the negatives.
Well that's great!
would be except......
I have now realised that the anti-depressant I am on is not to be given to people with Long QT (the heart condition I have recently found I've always had) because it lengthens the QT gap, which is already too long. This means that I will have to go back to the doctor, tell her that she prescribed the wrong stuff, come off this one and start another so god knows where my head will be.

bear with me lol

take heart

having not blogged for months I now find myself writing the 3rd blog of the day. Talk about opening flood gates.

On Christmas day I started on the medication that I will probably be on for the rest of my life. It's a beta blocker and it is supposed to stop my heart going into arythmia (because I have been diagnosed with Long Q-T syndrome). When they told me I had this syndrome I actually laughed because it is at it's most dangerousin the teens and can be fatal. So there i was laughing in the face of death. The consultant talked to me about medication, I was goin gto say don't bother but he said there was still a risk and that the medication would reduce this by 50%. Being a coward I went for the longer life option. THEN he says we will have to be careful because I already have a tachycardic sinus rhythm so the medication might make it too slow.
(sorry I'm rambling).
So here I am a week into medication and every day I have a strange sensation in my chest. Unfortunately I have also suffered from anxiety so that muddies the water. he point is suddenly it's not a joke any more and I'm scared.
I have things, important things, I want to do with my life and the reminder that I am mortal worries me. I suddenly feel that I want to rush into things that should take time and that upsets the balance.

Oh well, that's enough of that, I've ranted enough :0)

A syndrome, no less!

you may remember last year that I told you my son had been diagnosed with a heart condition called long Q-T syndrome.
Well, the news is that I have found out today that I have it too. It is a hereditary condition and we now have to find out whether it started with me or whether one of my parents has it.
My main concern is for my children as the condition can cause sudden death, they will be tested but it takes a while for the results to come through.
The hospital have given me a long list of drugs i should avoid (I've had quite a few lol) and advised against strenuous exercise (you've got to laugh, I've been a runner for years).
At least now Jack has someone else in the family who he can relate to.

heartbreak

Young Jack came to lie on our bed with us the other morning and told us that he is looking forward to being a grandad which is pretty advanced planning for an 8 year old.
Although he knows that he has Long QT syndrome he doesn't know yet that medical advice is for him not to have children.......

Genetic counselling

Some people may remember me saying that my son Jack had been diagnosed with long Q-T syndrome.
Yesterday we went to see the geneticist to find out whether he had a 'Long Q-T' gene; he does.
The next stage was for Jacqueline and I to have repeat ECG and to give blood for genetic testing. Rebecca, our eldest daughter happened to be with us so she had an ECG too.
We sat in a room with the doctor as he gave us our results. Rebecca, you have a good trace, no problem there. Jacqueline, hmmmmmmmm, a little slow, you're in the grey area. Tim, this is where I worry you, you have a slower trace, this doesn't mean you have the condition but if I asked a group of heart specialists who had passed it to Jack you would be the favourite.
Our blood tests will be back in a few months. Two negative means it's just Jack, one\two positives mean tests for all our children and possible tests for our parents. I'll keep you posted.

The heart of my family

Spent a couple of days last week visiting the hospital regarding Jack's (my youngest)heart problem. We have seem a genetacist and a sa result Partner and I will be having 24 hour heart recordings. We have already had ECG which showed that we both have a slightly lengthened QT gap (the doc said that mine might be due to me being an athlete lol).

I just keep thinking how weird it would be at 46 to be told that I have a heart condition which might wipe me out in my teens unless I begin treatment