almost legless (or the crush)

Have just worked two long shifts. Today I was delivering clothes in Wales in the pouring rain. It's so tiring when you have to wrestle with the elements for control of your vehicle.

Yesterday I was in Northumbria, an area I've always liked. I started the day in a very painful way by trapping my foot in the hydraulic tail lift of the lorry so I've been limping for two days. I'm extremely lucky because those things exert a lot of pressure and I could have lost my foot.

When I said I wanted to get legless for Christmas I didn't really mean it literally!

So that was Christmas!

we didn't spend a great deal on presents this year but all the off spring were happy and the six year old even said that he had got everything he ever wanted in the world, I was a happy daddy!
a school friend of one of my daughters was quite rude about the amount we spend on presents but hey, our kids get love.

We intended to visit the cemetery this morning to place flowers on my brother in laws grave but we broke down on the way so it looks as though we will be spending more time at home (which isn't such a bad thing)

Season's greetings to all who visit here

I hope that you all find joy and peace in all that you do this Christmas.

One day we will have that mega party but until then I leave you sincere hugs and a selection of kisses from the chaste little pecks to the eternal snog, you all know what you are allowed so help yourself and what ever you do enjoy the season

xxx

A thought for Christmas

Just a thought from the church of the terminally bemused

standard Christmas

it's shaping up to be a fairly normal christmas here in toadeeworld.

We have just attended our first family gathering, I came home with my daughters as they didn't want to stay and one has work in the morning. A moment ago I had a call from my partner saying that there were all sorts of arguments and fights going on and that she might want me to go and pick them up.

Yep, a standard Christmas hehe

getting past the future Christmas present issue 2

I do however wish to say that I do not see gift giving as a good way to measure esteem and that am currently unable to buy or send gifts and cards to anyone. Had I the money I would celebrate the festive season by throwing a massive party and flying all my friends in so that we could toast our friendship, eat and drink far to much and do lots of hugging and stuff.

getting past the future Christmas present issue 1

Anyone who has followed my various ramblings or who has known me for a while will know that I am not a wealthy toad but I haven't yet got to the stage of putting a paypal donations button on my blog.

If you consider yourself to be my friend then I thank you and I value you because the gift of friendship is a gift that we cannot buy, steal or borrow.

When i have the odd spare £ and I see something that takes my fancy I will, perhaps, buy it and I will, perhaps, send it, randomly, to a friend.

steamy sex in my bathroom

this is not a subject i would wish to discuss on a semi public blog but it is a way of getting people to find me on google etc.
so...........
if you arrived here because you were searching for something special then thank you because it feels good to be special.

gambling toads

did you really think that only lambs could gamble.

I have just got in from my second night in a row working in the fun casino. I have rarely had so much fun and been paid for it and I get to be at all the Christmas parties.

At the time of writing I have not actually got into any serious flirting with the guys but who knows as Christmas gets closer and the gamblers get drunker hehe.

My blackjack training is going well and I should have a moderately successful launch on new year's eve (if not before) a whole new world lies ahead.

weep oh sillies of the world

How sad to log in and find that the wonderful,nay, brilliant, nay, silly Morgetron has been cheated of a place in the 3rd round of the blog cup.

Has the world gone mad?

Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett has announced that he has early stage Alzheimer's disease. He has told his readers not to be downhearted as he has time for a few more books.

I have always found his books witty and inventive and I think terms like 'breaking the mold' and 'outside the box' might have been coined exclusively for Terry.

With improvements in therapy for Alzheimer's I sincerely hope that there are more than a few books left in that wonderful brain.

a new direction

as some of you may know I ocassionally help a friend with running a 'fun' casino (no cash). This friend has now decided I need to further my career so she has got me practicing dealing blackjack and working on handling cards and chips in a professional manner.
I am booked to deal blackjack for 3 hours on new year's eve at a local 5 star hotel called Oulton Hall (I belive there are those amongst you who have experienced it's hospitality). So, no pressure there then lol

calling all fans of robotic women

Our very own Morgetron is in the second round of the blog cup and it's very close at the moment so if you care at all click here now and vote for Tres Bizarre

Thank you

Picking up prostitutes

well not exactly!

Driving home from one of my jobs today I passed a working woman, this was unusual as it was only just dusk. It was pouring with rain and the poor thing looked cold and miserable, my heart went out to her.
For a brief moment I was tempted to stop just to let her sit in the car and get warm but I very much doubt that the policemen just around the corner would've believed that.

be naughty!

As the festive season looms large I would like to offer this space for all the people out there who have a secret crush (or a desire to secretly crush)

I am off loading mega amounts of mistletoe in this blog and you are invited to post a kiss ( a peck, a snog etc)for anyone you like. Anon replies are enabled ;)

I am a suburb

looking back over my recent blogs it appears that I have become a suburb of Tres Bizarre, I wish to make it clear that this is in no way connected with any offers of goats (including their flesh and\or by products).
I will make a conscious effort not to relate any more blog entries to that silly place.

The Emperor's new clothes

bear with me lol....

The Scotish tourist board have jusr spent £125,000 developing a new slogan to promote their beautiful country, the result?

WELCOME TO SCOTLAND

yep, 125,000

I can just imagine the discussion after the boss sreams that one up

oh, sir, magnificent

yes sir, so 'back to basics'

so deliberately understated

such depths hidden by a deceptively simple statement.

OK for only £100,000 I will let them use my new slogan

HELLO!

the top referrer for November

With a late leap of enthusiasm Morgetron extended her lead and brought home the bacon (and the goat)

Support your local fembot

the wonderful and talented etc etc Morgetron is in the blog cup so go here now and support her. OK?

Yippee! I'm not spam

I'm back following 24 hours in the sin bin as suspected spam.

I looked at the blogger definition of spam and it talks about repeated posting of nonsense and hervesting stuff from other sites, now why did the spam robot think I was a spammer?

The obedient toad

I was on wheelie bin deliveries again today and found that I was due to deliver two new bins to the nasty man who I encounted last week.
Mindful that at our last encounter he had made sure I knew it was a private road and that I wasn't welcome I recorded on my delivery sheet that I was unable to deliver as vehicular access was denied by the customer

top referrer

it's getting near the end of the month and I have to say that young Morgetron has the narrowest of leads at present

observations on human behaviour

I was working on street cleaning (collecting junk that people leave in public areas)The team isn't called a street cleaning team or a refuge team no, it is the Chapeltown Pride team, many of the areas have their own 'pride' team and it's nice to see that people are proud of their area.

There is, however, one problem with this territorial display as observed today. At almost every halt my tow co-workers felt the irresistible urge to mark out their territory in that most ancient of ways. Any tom cats will be left in no doubt about who is the alpha male around there!

Gulp!

I have applied for a one year temporary post as librarian on the mobile library. Wish me luck toadfriends

Mystery

I'm working for the council tomorrow but mo-one will tell me what I'm doing, I love mysteries hehe.

Party, my place, NOW!

I've been feeling a little stressed of late but having friends around the world has been a great help from those who just call in once to the most special of my friends.

Rather than moping about I have decided to throw a party because it will give all my friends a chance to mingle.

So, bring a bottle, bring food, bring games and music, bring a friend but mainly, bring yourself.

ALL WELCOME and the spa pool and hot tubs are open

old friend

Having bid a tearful farewell to all my beloved wheelie bins (for now ar least) it was back with an old friend and strangely enough I was on the same route so I may as well just say ditto to that old blogging!
This time however, I had my smile sign up and I got some positive results.

naughty and nice

Being a public sevant I get to meet the public and I have found that the majority are decent enough people.

Today's score

naughty=1

nice = 4

the naughty one was a man who was quite abusive to me because I'd turned my lorry round at the entrance to his drive, he ranted at me and was quite foul mouthed so I smiled sweetly and said 'have a nice day'

The nice people where those that took time for a chat or just smiled back.

Stupid computer

my computer is really playing up, Msn won't work at all and I can't send e mails.
I'm sure it's something to do with the settings but I'm at a loss and it's so slow

Sigh

so apologies for my slow and stilted speech, it's not the drink, honest!

my longest ever birthday!

oh, bliss, yet another present in the post today!

A book and card from my wonderful cyber daughter, can't wait to read it.

why I don't take sandwiches to work

part of my job is to remove contaminated bins from properties and this isually means that they are dirty or perhaps have paint on them
but
last Friday I was listed to collect a contaminated bin and when I got to the property the bin in question appeared to be full of errrrrr, human sewage.
I discovered this when I opened it and the stench was terrible. I refused to move it and backed away gagging.
I have advised the council that they need a full clean up crew and that i wouldn't be eating anything with these hands until I've spent a good few hours scrubbing them.

further adventures of a toad and a bin

Here in the city of Leeds we are big on recycling and I spend much of my day delivering green recycling bins so that people can 'do the right thing' and save our planet.

Sometimes bins get damaged or worn out and I try to repair them but if they cannot be repaired I remove the broken one and leave a nice new one.

Old plastic bins are taken back to the depot and left in the corner.

Can you guess what happens to old and broken recycling bins?

answer later hehe and if anyone can give me a good answer they can be added to my prize list

the hated toad

Let's talk about wheelie bins.

In my city these bins have an electronic tag. The purpose of this is, eventually, to monitor the amount of refuge produced by each household so that the council can bill them if they throw ro much away. Part of the reason is to encourage higher levels of recycling but I'm sure it is more about revenue collection.
As always there are a number of people who see me as the devil's agent when I deliver the bins.
Ah well my skin is thick (and warty)and most people are pleasant.

how can I win her over?

If you have ever visited Tres Bizarre then you may have noticed that there are two lists of bloggers, the helium ones and THE ONES SHE LIKES!

I wonder if there is a way to be a helium member and still win Morgy's affection

a glamorous job

this week I am working for the local council again, this time delivering wheelie bins to households.
I have undergone intensive training today and now know how to assemble a wheelie bin.

My mentor was a lovely chap and what he doesn't know about wheelie bins isn't worth knowing. He also offered me a useful perspective. I have always wanted to travel widely and hoped my work as a driver would allow me to see more of the UK and possibly Europe, I told him this and he replied that this job was wonderful because it took him all over, yes, to the very boundaries of the metropolitan area!

Did you know that there are 4 types of lid available for the standard wheelie bin?

call me!

when i join a new community there always comes a time when people ask me

Why Toadee?

The usual answer is along the lines of

I look like a toad, I act like a toad, hey! I AM a toad

I didn't realise how repetitive and predictable I was until my daughter started calling me turdee
I asked her why and she said

well dad, you look like a turd, you smell like a turd, OMG you are a turd


I love her wicked humour!

and she said i wouldn't dare call myself turdee on the internet

beg, nag, plead

I would love to find out how it feels to be popular (note the very subtle emotional blackmail) so I would be obliged if you could pop over to blog interviewer and give me a thumbs up (you can do it every 24 hours!

VOTE NOW

according to my visitors book I have had 15 visitors in the last 2 months, I'm sure that's nor right so it must mean some of you aren't going there
IT'S AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE!

Grow up! (flash 55)

Grow up, feel the pain
of labouring in vain

Hear the ticking of the clock
growing faster, keen to mock

See the leaves fall from the tree
wondering how long spring will be

Believe that you just can't win
with your spirit lost within

Chase deadlines until your dead
where once you chased dreams instead

A difficult day

Today we had my brother in law's funeral. The service was well done and some of his friends spoke about him.

The gathering afterwards was a chore because of the inter-family disagreements. It came close to fighting. What a relief when it was over.

After a long session in the pub we are back home and most of the family have collapsed on their beds (alcohol will do that to you!)

Late birthday

I received a birthday package from new Zealand yesterday

3 wonderful books

lip salve (well it is cold here!)

a wonderful postcard of the NZ national bird in the bush (wonder if one in the hand would be worth 2 of them?)

and the cutest card ever

thank you KB, you know me so well!

Apologies

I want to offer my sincere apologies and much butt kissing to those who have won prizes from me over the last 5 weeks.
I didn't send them out originally because of the postal strike in the UK and then it went clean out of my head (if you were inside my head you'd want to get out too)

I have a list of prize winners and prizes will be sent out in chronological order.

I may be slow but I'm still moving!

Making friends 2

Regarding my previous posting about Chelsy Davy's struggle
A few points here

I personally (and I mean that literally) drove around that area a week ago clearing rubbish and there wasn't that much (most of it was litter from the student population e.g. pizza boxes and drink containers)

Many students in Leeds live in new, very pleasant apartments so her bow towards fitting in probably missed the mark.

She will not make many friends in Leeds because most of the population of Leeds (including the student population) do not frequent the VIP areas of London nightclubs on a weekend.

Just a note. I don't trust newspapers much so I do not necessarily believe that the views expressed are those held by Chelsy.

Making friends 1

I noticed an article in the Mail on Sunday (hard to miss it was a double page spread) The article was about Chelsy Davy (the girlfriend of Prince Harry) and her struggle with adapting to life in Leeds where she is attending university.
Apparently she lives in a shared house with two other students in an attempt to 'fit in' but there are reports that the area she lives in is shrewn with rubbish and is not a 'nice ' place.

Paper boy

recently my daughter started a paper round and, because I'm over-protective, crazy and a big softy, I have been helping her out.
She does the round on her bike so I jog along trying to keep up. This arrangement has several benefits, I get up at a reasonable time on weekends, I get fitter, I learn to appreciate my local area and discover parts I never knew existed and I get to spend time with my daughter.

The one disadvantage so far is that my jeans are getting a little loose around the waist and it's difficult to jog with your jeans heading for your ankles.

Gifts for the after-life

What a wonderful idea! So many cultures have felt that it is important to leave items at or in the grave to assist their loved one in the next life.

Today we went to the chapel of rest to visit my brother in law, there was some conversation about what items could be placed in the coffin with him.
Most of the men present agreed that he would appreciate a porn magazine. My niece (his daughter) wants to give him a photograph of the two of them and a bottle of tomato ketchup (he put the stuff on everything!)

flash 55 - leaving

You left without warning
leaving memories
As the door closed on your life
only echos of your life and love remain

In the silence
we feel you near
and as we open pain filled hearts
memories and love fill us, renew us
and forge anew the links of love
bestowing on you a precious immortality

My birthday

My birthday started at the stroke of midnight with two e cards from New Zealand. I was lucky enough to be on line and able to actually communicate for once(computer had a head of steam)and my birthday was launched by by very good friend KB.
Was woken by the kids who presented me with socks, chocolate, smellies and clothes, it was a little awkward because I felt for my niece who suddenly doesn't have a dad to lavish with presents.
I spent most of the day around the house and sorting out family business around our bereavement and then in the evening there was a small party which was a quietish affair and again weird because my children were so possessive of me.

I wanted to post a picture but I'm once again having computer problems

and the winner is..........

the winner of top referrer to my blog for october is SnowElf

Missy Continues ro be the actual top referrer but as she has held this position since I first started doing this I wanted to give someone else a chance to shine.

I am so drained

I'm sat here looking ar comments on my blog. I really appreciate that prople visit and comment and at the moment I feel so drained that I can't seem to gather the energy to respond. I am going through a phase of having nothing to say which doesn't make great blogging.

We are trying to cope with the death of my brother in law. Fielding phone calls from his ex partner and being patient with the more annoying family members is hard work and we are also trying to shield his daughter from some of the rumours that are being circulated both inside and outside the family about the circumstances of his death

irregular blogging

some days i blog 2\3 times, other days I struggle to blog at all.

I have days when I have so many ideas to blog and I often tell myself that I should save some for the lean times but that's just not the way I am so I write as I think, in spurts, randomly and when i can.

Apologies

Due to a family breavement my presence here may be a little sporadic for a while.

More when i am able.

Lesbians

my wonderful co worker tells me that the ex topless model Samantha Fox is now a lesbian. He was puzzled as to why\how as she is still attractive and has no need to adopt a lesbian life-style.

We realised that some lesbians are attractive and when he questioned their motivation for choosing such a life style I have to admit I was stumped as to how to explain this in terms he could relate to.

Forgive me please but I finally found an acceptable and suitably chauvinistic answer.these attractive women have chosen lesbianism purely because they haven't met me yet.

This is tongue in cheek although I'm not sure he took it as such.

breast implants

Today was a day of exploring many varied topics as my co worker and I trawled the streets for fly tipping.

Quite how we got onto the topic of breast augmentation I can't recall but I found myself in the unlikely position of 'resident expert'

How do they make them bigger he asked , I explained about silicone and bags of other semi viscous liquids.

Why do they make them bigger? I explained the perception that bigger is better (we explored this concept and agreed that a pensioner who can still poke your eye out is a strange and frankly unnerving sight)

how can they feed a baby?
explained about the mechanics of surgery which leaves all relevant ducts attached and working.

flash 55, goodbye

I have to go away.
It hurts to leave so soon
when we wanted and planned
so much together.

Please don't weep
for you have filled my heart
and i will return,
not as I am
but without the weakness of this form
and I will be entirely of love
to always dwell with you.

Do you like fanny?

so asked my co worker today.
Apparently the area we were working is a favourite with the cleansing team because it is a largely student area and at 7.30 in the morning lots of young females are wandering around their bedrooms semi clothed. It seems that students are so poor (or landlords so mean) that they often don't have curtains and, if my co worker is to be believed, these young ladies have no shame.

I should explain that the word fanny was used in the English rather than the US context.

A load of rubbish and a Yorkshire saying

For the rest of the week I am working for the local council on rubbish collection and street cleaning. I am now officially one of the invisible men who tidy up the streets and i will kill anyone who drops litter!

There is a Yorkshire saying 'where there's muck there's brass (money)' and it is so true, whilst walking along picking litter from the street I happened upon a £5 note hehe.

An achievement

The driving agency had me booked in to drive for the local council most of this week but the council insist that they assess all drivers before they drive council vehicles. This morning i went for my assessment.

I PASSED with flying colours.

apparently I should have done this assessment before I was allowed to drive the mobile library, whoops!!!

I don't believe it

the ladies of the house decided they wanted to go to Ikea this evening so I emptied the lawnmower petrol into the car (yes it's that tight at the moment) and off we trundled.

The car began to overheat on the way but It cooled down and we reached our destination. On the way back we had got to within a mile of home when the engine started making very nasty noises which quickly got worse, it sounds to me like it's thrown a rod. I stopped the car and while my partner sat in and steered daughter, niece and I pushed (and jumped on the back when we hit a down hill). I am counting my blessings that the car cost us nothing and we haven't spent much on it.

So two vehicles in two days.

Do you hate anyone enough to hire them the chauffeur of death hehe

my break down

Heading home from a long day around Sheffield where I was attempting to deliver water to non existant addresses.
As I left the city amidst the rush hour traffic I began to lose power and at the appropriate time (a narrow stretch, dense woodland, no civilisation etc) I ground to a halt.
After much messing with mobiles with no credit and people with no clue I am safely home 20 minutes ago)

Boo to the South Yorkshire police for the Shift your bl**dy vehicle attitude (no I didn't stop to admire the view or be a nuisance)

Cheers for T mobile for GIVING me £5 credit on my phone as a goodwill gesture.

On being a sausage

I wish I was a sausage
oh what a life it is
just lying in a nice warm pan
going
plink, bang, fizz

I 'd get an even sun tan
without using factor eight
and then I'd join the eggs and beans
lying on the plate

A (very) short break

I will be away from my desk for a couple of days (at the most)

abnormal service will resume very shortly

Rugby World Cup

I will blog this only once.

England threw it away, giving away 2 penalties so early was pointless and lets face it South Africa didn't need the gifts.

I do feel a certain national pride that we reached the final but it was a shock anfd I think we were lucky to get there this time.

A world of English teachers

Is it just me or are teachers of english breeding (I know they do breed, my sister in law is one but are they breeding faster) and more to the point, are they skipping childhood and producing fully functional (semi) adult english teachers?
Everywhere I go they are there. I go to school and there is a whole nest of them (I understand they like to use the collective 'department'), I indulge my few pleasures; my writer's group, run by one and frequented by a posse; my internet world, incomplete without a visit to Tres Bizarre written by........ an english teacher

making all things positive

I am having lots of technical problems with my computer at the moment. One of these resilts in me being unable to post long articles in my blog (I don't know the exact length).

What a great opportunity to learn brevity and to practice writing in an economic style.

flash55, badly written but heartfelt

If fate gave me a fortune
I'd still be incomplete
without the richness of your laughter,
the joy of your heart,
and the safe haven of your embrace.
I can never be poor
whilst feeling the eternity of your love
I can feel no cold or pain
in the warmth and peace of your arms

How I use my blog

you know that I dislike bring put into categories and boxes and i hope you know that I like to be as honest as possible. My blog is a bit random and I hope that adds a little excitement (yawn). I love sharing bits of my self (don't get excited, the best bits were auctioned off ages ago).

Of late there have been issues in my life which it wouldn't be appropriate to write about here as my blog is unfiltered but I maintain a live journal account for that very reason.

Eat your words!

I decided to spend my mandatory break having a snooze today so when the time came I parked up in a side street and slipped into dreamland.

10 minutes later i was awoken by repeated sounding of a horn and i opened my eyes to see an angry man pulled up along side me. I opened my window and asked if i could help.

'Are you alright' he enquired
'yes, fine' I replied
'I'm your operations manager'
'Oh, hello'

He went quite puce and them shouted at me

' I don't like finding my drivers parked up for a secret sleep'

'I'm sure you don't' I replied 'but I'm just on my break and you will find it all logged on my tachograph'

'Oh' he said 'OK'

and sped off

pointless blog

I'm absolutely knackered!
didn't get to bed until about 2 am last night, up at 4.30 to get to work., finished work at 6 got home at 7.45 had to get daughter to Hockey for 8 then took M in L home. Need to be up at 4.30 again in the morning.

So what, I hear you chorus, are you doing here, Mr Toad?

Don't know!

see you all soon
x

top referrer for October

At this half way point It may surprise you to know that Missy is in the lead (but won't be winning as I have changed the rules hehe). Second place at present is held by Snowelf

my thoughts on my quandry

....... I suddenly realised that
a) I enjoy blogging for it's own sake
B) I feel that I have some good friends in bloggerland (both old and new).

I realise now that I don't want to abuse the friends I have by bombarding them with ads and I don't want to cheapen my blog by using it as a vehicle to make rich people richer, I'm worth more than that.

In conclusion, I think I will stay poor and happy for now and if I do decide to blog for money I will do it in a different blog where my literary prostitution can be clearly defined.

my quandry

The toad family are not very wealthy at the moment. I have only recently returned to work following 2 years off sick and I now earn far less than i used to.

One of the reasons why I started blogging was because I had heard that there was money to be made.

I signed up for adsense but just before I was due my first pay out they said that there were irregularities and banned me from having an adsense account.

Then i looked at pay per blog which seems to earn some people a lot of money, it looked promising but.......

how strange

I have a post which i have tried and tried to put on blogger and it just won't do it

Rugby

I just need to mention in passing that England are in the final of the rugby world cup!

Toad on the road

Friday I'm driving down to Devon to deliver a car. There will be 4 drivers taking 4 vehicles and I'm starting to feel like I'm about to make a 'road' movie.

Will be a good chance to launch the toadSmiles campaign hehe

Flash 55 time again

Your face contorts as you move rhythmically.
A light sheen coats your skin.

As you move faster your breath comes in gasps and a groan escapes your lips.

Your muscles tighten as you reach for fulfilment, every nerve alive, crying out.

With a final thrust you collapse sated.



I LOVE watching you at the gym!

Blogrush

I have to say this, Blogrush is generating almost 50% of my traffic at the moment. I'm glad I signed up for it, was a bit sceptical as there are so many promises around regarding ways to increase traffic to your site, but this works.

Unemployment

Job Centre

It's over
while I wait to begin
at the end of the road
looking back

I wonder if it's possible to believe
that what's behind
can give me hope
that the road so far
can pave future ways

The carefully placed building blocks
my firm foundation
lie cracked and broken
hardcore for another future

They are not amused

These last few days I've been working for a courier firm delivering parcels. The drivers manifest often has special instructions for delivery and in some cases it will say 'leave safe' if an item can be left, out of plain sight, without a signature.
I came across a parcel today (a very nice laptop) beside which was the instruction 'do not leave safe' I couldn't resist telling them that I'd left it propped up on the gate post. They were not amused.

I also deviated from the usual route because one of my deliveries was some flowers for a lady in an office and if I had delivered in order I would have got there to late.

Crush

CRUSH

Give no sign
not word
or smile
our balance is precarious

don't go ahead
stay behind
masks of indifference

never reveal
forever concealed
dream on

feign coolness
but know
the heart beats still within

An enlightening conversation

Was stood at the bus stop a few days ago when a young man approached.

'Number 4 stop here?' he asked

'don't know' I replied

'you don't know?'

'no, sorry mate'

(there was a lengthly pause and then)

'What you waiting for?'

'number 770'

'does that stop here'

'yes'

'but the 4 doesn't?'

' I don't know'

'can you catch number 4?'

'I could'

'does it come this way?'

'DON'T KNOW'



luckily my bus (that's the 770 not the 4) came at this point.

Britain's national dish

there has always been discussion about which dish is synonymous with British culture and often we find that there are regional variations and preferences.
A new survey solves the problem once and for all:

The British eat 95% of all the baked beans produced in the world!

no wonder the UK is so windy!

Freestyle

I have decided to declare myself a freestyle blogger in order to assert my freedom to do, or not do.

Freestyle because I change at a whim but also because front crawl sounds vaguely naughty and breast stroke is not even vague.

Bombs away!!!!

Yesterday an RAF jet 'lost' a dummy\practice bomb somewhere over northern England. An RAF spokesperson said that the public are safe as the device is not dangerous.

OK

I live in Northern England and it's reassuring to know that if I ever see one of these 31 pound concrete 'bombs' hurtling towards me from on high it's not going to hurt me!

smile!!!

Today was just one of those days, everywhere I went I was stuck in traffic jams. As usual I amused myself by smiling at drivers next to me and pulling faces at children hehe. I usually find that my smiles are answered by puzzled looks or embarrassment, shame!
Then I heard an item on the radio, today is (or was) national smile day. I grabbed a piece of A4 and a marker pen and wrote on it
TODAY IS NATIONAL SMILE DAY (drew a little smiley on there too) then I stuck my sign on my window (side not front lol).
The change in people was amazing, everyone was smiling at me, cars full of people were laughing and grinning, I was laughing, the world was a better place.
National smile say is just one day but I'm on the road most days and I'm gonna make me a sign to get people smiling all year round.

Regarding Naked toads

Because a number of you have received a certain calendar featuring semi naked football players the time has come to address a very important issue.

I know that you are all absolutely dying for me to bring out the naked toad calendar and, to be honest, there is a part of me which yearns for the fame and adoration that it would bring.

BUT

I am sorry to disappoint you all. I am no the man I once pretended to be and the window of opportunity for such an action has passed.

Please understand that I have made this decision with your best interests at heart.
I could sell you a dream but then we would end up getting into costly litigation when I failed to deliver.

It's flash 55 time again

They do not stand close together
there is no need
their faces seem distant
both lost, deep in thought.

Her hand, proprietal
touches his arm
lingering slightly longer
than is necessary

telling the world
more clearly than any words
that he is taken,
he belongs.

The old man shrugs her off impatiently
'stop fussing woman!'

kinds of blogger

I am but a simple soul and something has been worrying me, laying heavy upon my consciousness and troubling my dreams.

What sort of blogger am I?

I keep seeing people described as political, creative, funny etc etc and when I go to join a community or blogging group I come to that point where it says

'what is your blog about'

or

'which of these categories best describes your blog'

I DON'T KNOW! and I am not sure I want to be squeezed into a box. I would hate to log in and know that today I have to be funny or I must say something intelligent about the current political climate in the northern provinces of some minor state.

Personally I want the freedom to be odd and be different, I credit my reader(?s) with enough intelligence to know when I'm being silly and if someone laughs at my rambling then it must be funny.

To tell you the truth, it scares me a little because if you say you will write in a certain way people have expectations and I have found that, in my opinion, the bloggers who make the biggest deal out of being 'humourous' aren't (perhaps it's the strain of making humour a chore rather than a pleasure to be dipped into at random)

Hey look, today I'm a confused, ranting blogger

A request for help

My friend Pinkagirl does a sponsored book release each year to raise money for cancer research I know she would be overjoyed if people could sponsor her (you can just give a fixed amount and it's very easy and painless)

http://www.justgiving.com/thinkpinkchallenge2007

if you want to know more about what she is doing

http://www.thinkpinkchallenge2007.piczo.com/

thank you my friends

I wish to make a complaint

This week the agency has me doing van deliveries for a small firm which provides lighting.

When they contacted me they told me that it was just light deliveries well let me tell you, some of those boxes are bl**dy heavy!!

The New zealand Flag

I hear that there is a suggestion that New Zealand should remove the union flag from the top corner of the NZ flag.

Let me say here and now that this would set a dangerous precedent, before you know it the Aussies will follow suit (those that haven't already) and if we aren't careful those Yanks will start getting the idea that they can be independent.

I feel that there is a certain amount of ingratitude within this suggestion. We Brits when to a lot of trouble to teach the Kiwis how to play rugby, to help the Aussies develop some skill at cricket and teach the Americans how to speak (and spell) in english (OK the latter didn't work out to well).

Wow, it's hard to rant with your tongue in your cheek hehe

Top referrer for September

After a very close last week, Missy has come out on top (again!!!). Thank you all for linking to me and for the friendship and support that that signifies.

Missy, I have your addy already lol

I am now going to change the rules so that the same person can't win 2 months running (You have to give the others a chance Missy hehe)

Writing group exercise

Part of this is from experience but I won't say which part hehe

See You Soon


The lights shifted, taunting me, throwing me off balance.

As I lay down, the room spun, I felt as though I was slipping, as though I was starting to fall. In free fall across space.

It became impossible to say with any certainty which was the floor and which the ceiling. Spinning, losing control.

I reached out and let my fingers brush the floor, grounding myself , finding a point of reference. The room stopped. My head continued it's savage journey.

Events of the evening flashed by the anticipation of freedom, the excitement of hitting the clubs with the guys and hopefully hitting on someone for the night.

Pictures replaying in my mind, fast forward, playing, pause on that brunette! Running over the action in crystal clear slow motion. The music hammered at our brains as we necked beer after beer. The cheers as I went for it on the tequila run and the hands supporting me as I headed for a seat and found the floor.

Fast forward again. In the street, loud and hard, invincible. Remembering how I started to flag and grinning as my mate slipped me an E.

Blurred images of jeering faces and people on the floor, blood and sirens, running and laughing taking a taxi,

Was it only moments ago falling through my door?

------------------------------------------------------------------------



A figure, dark and silent, face hidden by a deep cowl stands watching me. I struggle to focus, needing to see the figures face but somehow knowing I won't, can't.

I want to turn away, I want to dismiss my tormentor but I feel a coldness around my heart and all I feel is fear as I realise who this is and begin to recount the deeds and misdeeds of my short life.

The figure raises one emaciated hand and a fleshless finger beckons me, demanding obedience.

I whimper and begin to cry out

'not yet! I can't, don't make me'

The figure moves slowly, having all time, and none in which to fulfil it's duty. As it turns away it speaks, no more than a whisper but I hear those words forever

'I'll see YOU soon'

A sad and thoughtful day

Today I attended the funeral of an old friend. I hadn't seen her for 20 years and found out after she died that she was living 2 miles from me.

She died of pneumonia at the age of 43.

As I sat in the church, I cried a little, not for the immediate loss but for those 20 years when I didn't stay in touch with someone who had always been a good friend (and an excellent drinking buddy).

Way back then when we were in out early 20's we were all immortal and there was never pressure to do things 'now'

Her brother described how she had lost her sight in her 30's and had been scared to walk, how she had become less active and weaker, how she had lost the can do attitude she used to have. It was when she was struggling and afraid that she needed friends, meanwhile I was 2 miles up the road doing very little. I'm not blaming my self but it just seems that a vital link was missing.

a lesson for us all, value the good friends we have and don't let the years slip away.

the competition results

the number of entries to the competitiion was quite low (3) one got the coordinates wrong and one didn't complete the second part of the competition so I have decided to give a prize to all entrants.

Congratulations Jess, Jodie and Shari. I'll be in touch

shameless

I am begging shamelessly please help
Morgy
and
Me
to get to the top on bloginterviewer. We would be so grateful

Yawn

For what it's worth, my ill fated and underpopulated competition will close at midnight Saturday,29th (GMT)

http://therealtoadee.blogspot.com/2007/09/another-competition.html

that 55 thing again!

It was dark.

A velvet blackness hiding promises of narcotic delight.

His eyes sought her's and she gazed at him, waiting, seeing his need.

His voice, when he finally spoke, had a grave like quality as if from far away in a different time, another place.

"You better make that a double shot latte instead".

Who's a silly blogger?

I am!
"4 hours ago I was struggling with my computer because it kept telling me that my user name/password were invalid for logging on to the internet. I sweated and swore and cried buckets of blood, a pop up told me that there was an our-rage and I replied to bl**dy true, it's an out-rage.

Having wrestled manfully with the problem I gave in and rang the help line (at premium rate) who told me to try all the things I'd already tried. I rang that helpline twice last night and again this morning and they told me that they were mystified but would run line tests today and that i should call them back tomorrow (more premium rate calls).

I was feeling the loss of internet keenly, I missed my buddies and I desperately wanted to vote on bloginterviewer. I actually rang a friend because I needed my fix of warm snugly friendship (much better value for my money than the help line hehe).

Early this afternoon, I was sorting through some mail on my desk and I decide I really ought to read the booklet that arrived a few days ago from the phone company I am switching to. Yep, you guessed it! the switch over was yesterday and part of the package is wireless internet The reason I couldn't connect is because I am now with a different ISP.

In my defense an earlier letter had said the switch would be at the beginning of October and I'm just not used to companies doing better than they promise.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

I am going to have to go into My daughter's school tomorrow. The catering staff are constantly telling her that if she won't have a pizza, pasta or sandwich then she can't have fruit!

I need to remind them ONCE AGAIN that my daughter has coeliac disease and can't eat pizza, pasta and bread. Anyway what's wrong with fruit?

TRAP

My senses fill with promised delight
I tremble with anticipation
preparing to indulge

You cast your net wide
your silk so fine
waiting for the tempted

As I touch your web
my nerves alert, to late,
held lightly

I face you, not bravely
trembling with fear
you anticipate your indulgence

and so I end
wrapped in your embrace
cocooned in silken thread
losing my head

referal prize update

with a week to go Morgetron has a very small lead with last months winner hanging on her tail (interesting place to be)

a wish for those moving on

I wrote this for two members of my writer's group who are going off to university but I keep seeing it as my subconscious smacking me around the head


Shame

If you never see beyond today's horizon
or seek an answer deeply hidden
If you only see the seed
and not the flower
and only ever go where you are bidden.

If you cannot reach to touch the sky
and never know the wonders found out there
and life's journey is planned and set and mapped
without the time to stop a while and stare.

If you look back one day and feel regret
and realise then all lives are not the same
and weep for all the chances you have missed
then my friend, that is the greatest shame.

regarding flash 55

I am really enjoying getting involved with flash 55 but I would appreciate a little advice from more experienced flashers.

How do people know when I have written a flash 55, is there a particular place I should mention this?

in anticipation of my education

thank you

my naughty poem

I did this for my writer's group, it made them laugh hehe

Relating

Do you think I'm attractive?

oh yes, said his lips
hmmmm, suppose, added his brain
YUM! cried the little devil


Will you see me again?

of course, the lips assured
errrrrrr, suppose, the brain added
WELL, ARE YOU GOING TO PUT OUT OR WHAT? demanded the devil, stretching


Do you love me?

you know I do, quick from the lips
yeah, yeah, whatever, yawned a bored brain
I'M READY, NOW! groaned the giant devil.

my second Flash55

He lies
as he falls into your eyes
already dreaming of his intense gratification.
Love you is easy to say
when he knows he'll have his way
anticipating his own fulfilment.

His truth is there
in a moment's distant stare
calculating the score.
and when she falls asleep
left, lonely in a heap
conveniently discarded.

writing group

As usual I really enjoyed the writer's group tonight. I am always somewhat in awe of the talent that some people display and there is always a surprise around the corner. Tonight our oldest member (in her 80's) produced a wonderful piece of fiction concerning night clubs and fighting fuelled by alcohol and cocaine, wow.

Sadly two of our really talented writers took their leave of us this evening as they are going away to university, I am truly sorry to see them go but O know that they are both destined for greatness and they need to take the next step.

for the last time! (maybe not)

Enter the bl**dy competition before I start crying in earnest (or even on earnest)

ENTER

http://therealtoadee.blogspot.com/2007/09/another-competition.html

Salvaged from Helium scrapyard

A new beginning

Senses begin to awaken
A whisper of warm air brushes my cheek and birds sing in celebration, I taste the tang of salt on the air and, opening my eyes I see the ocean spread before me like an endless plain.
I turn and see the land swelling gently like a soft, green, crumpled duvet.
The breeze carries the scent of woodland flowers and my heart feels at peace.

I sit for a while under the shade of an ancient oak tree and breath deeply and slowly as my mind slips into a meditative state.

I am aware, as though reading from a book, that I have suffered and that I have fought hard to keep my sanity. I know that I bear many invisible scars, memories of battles won and lost, conflict created and avoided, chances taken, chances missed. The principals, no longer performing, parade before me allowing me to see, often for the first time, the people beneath the greasepaint.

The parents who dominated, expected and watched now stripped of their masks revealing anxious, care worn faces.

The siblings no longer competing and squabbling show themselves as strong yet loving.

Partners, not too many and each with memories. Stripped of their costume and role they are a diverse group I am the only common denominator

My children in their roles as tormentors, leeches and succubi where played by young people in need of love and security, good people with good moral sense and hearts brim full of love.

Colleagues pass me too, strange that without their trappings, their uniforms, they seem a lot like me. They worry, they struggle and they hide their insecurities.

A touch, gentle on my cheek, wakes me and I look up into the smiling face of my beloved. A tear falls and splashes on my face, her hand grips mine. I am alive, I have a chance, a new beginning.

oh no! real life!

throughout my history of internet use I have made many friends and a few enemies (or is it the other way around?)

Thus far I have never mixed my internet life with my real life but now i feel that the times are, as Bob said, a changing. For the first time I have started talking to people about my blog and inviting them to visit. My blog is pretty much me so there shouldn't be many surprises. I guess the biggest worry is if a real life friend starts spilling the beans about me, you know confirming that I really am a toad and that I look up to hobbits and smell like the messy end of a rat with diarrhoea.

as part of my quest for mega-fame

I am trying out Blogrush give it a try and see what you think

Just to remind you all

My guest book is lonely so scroll down to the bottom of this page and sign it!

I have one entry to my competition and That really doesn't fit the definition of competition so ENTER please before i change it's name to toadee's give away.

It's obvious that some people are voting for my blog but I am prepared to beg quite aggressively for more votes (I have no pride).

VOTE NOW

off the beaten track

Most of my work involves driving up and down motorways which has limited appeal so it was lovely to get off the beaten track for a short while whilst delivering furniture to some rural schools.

I headed of into the hills and soon found myself on a rather narrow road



which got even narrower



after the delivery i thought I'd try a different route but that was even narrower



and kept getting narrower



ok the last picture isn't true but you get the idea.

I had to fold in the mirrors and I was touching both sides of the road.

I love the countryside but I'm not sure about sat navs hehe

(uggg, I've just noticed the road kill on the last picture!)

Just a random thought about love

true love is a constant state
but within we mark each moment
by shifting moods
joy and pain
measured on the barometer of the heart

sob

my competition has been a total failure so far, the criteria used to reach this conclusion is that there have been no (that's 0) entries.
I think I will leave it a week and then kill it

Flash 55

He'd used her before
but at first he had been oh so gentle
taking it very slowly and handling her so very very softly.

Now he was an animal, desperate to get dirty.
Throwing her around, bending her to his will.
Pushing her to the limits of her endurance.

New cars, don't stay new forever!

back in one of my comfort zones

I started back at my writing group this evening (it started last week but i was working *sob*).

The group runs at my daughter's school and usually has about 6 members. We bring in pieces we have written and read them out giving other members of the group the opportunity to offer feedback. There is a wonderful mixture of people young and old from a great variety of backgrounds and one of the lovely things is that we have members producing short pieces and members working on long term projects.

Writing aside I think the group have become friends and we spend a lot of time chatting. It takes a special kind of person to put up with my weirdness and fondness for double entendre and naughtiness hehe.

I will never forget that, when I was at my lowest ebb it was a special friend and this group that held my head above water until I learnt to swim

an evil plan

while Morgetron is away, wouldn't it be deliciously naughty to go to her blog and move the names around in her lists so that some of the long names are in the middle.

I bet that would really confuse her hehe

another competition!

I haven't always been a couch potato and here is a picture from when the toad sought out his natural habitat.

problem is, the toad has dissapeared, your job is to give me the coordinated of toadee's head.

Oh and because that's so easy, I want you to tell me what was going through that head at the moment the picture was taken. The entry with the correct coorinates and the thought that tickles me the most will get a PRIZE

feel free to comment here but e-mail your enty to me
(realtoadee@gmail.com )

I will post comments after the end of the competition.

My dad

when i got in from work yesterday my partner said that my dad needed a lift to the health centre a she had been having chest pain all day, he suffers from angina and had a triple bi-pass about 10 years ago, I went straight down to his house and drive him and mum to the health centre and from there to the A&E department.

I was, of course, very worried and, as I sat in the waiting room, I was thinking about how special dad is.

He isn't famous and he had never done anything outstanding but he is outstanding. He is outstanding for the values he holds (which have often prevented him gaining promotion), he is outstanding for the love he has and gives, he is outstanding precisely because he doesn't seek greatness and notoriety, he supports his family and friends and wants only the best for them.

I love him so much.

It turns out that he has a pneumonia, although only mild, and he was sent home with anti-biotics and pain relief

do you remember real money?

I'm old enough to remember when, if you went into a shop and said you were paying by cheque or credit, they would add a surcharge because of the inconvenience and because they had to pay to use the service.

As time went on you could sometimes get a discount for paying cash.

A relative of mine went into Carphone Warehouse last week to but a new mobile phone, he said he was paying cash and was informed that there would be a £20 additional charge for cash payments! This is mainly because cash (and cheques) have to be transported to the bank.

A few days ago , as I was boarding my bus the lady in front of me tried to pay a £3.50 fare with a £5 pound note. The driver said he couldn't accept the note because it was to creased to go through the counting machine at the depot and so was useless.

How long before we are a totally cash free society?

Hey friends (and strangers)

just to point out that

I HAVE A NEW AND VERY EMPTY GUEST BOOK at the bottom of this page

WARNING!! Men don't enter, it's a trap.

I have become the victim of a terrible and humiliating plot to remove all honour from mankind.

A female friend, quite casually, mentioned in conversation that when ever a man looks at a woman his eyes automatically check out her rack\boobs\breasts whatever.
I, of course denied this, I am an honourable toad and women are not just objects of sexual desire.

Now I'm trapped, caught in this enigma without variation, mired by this cruel paradoxical injunction. When I walk towards a woman, or meet one I concentrate really hard on not looking at her........ damn I did it again!

(Not so) private dancer

As I made my weary way home from work yesterday all I could think about was lying down and sleeping forever.

The bus was crowded, no seats at all (not even one next to an incontinent old guy with a bottle in a paper bag and a decades long collection of BO)

I stood near the front holding onto a pole.I really didn't feel like performing my legendary pole dance but the motion of the bus sort of swung me around my pole a little and a small boy laughed at me. There are several ways to react when someone laughs at you but this is my way. I did it again, I did it with both hands, with one. I swung a little left and a bit more to the right. A few more people smiled or laughed (and one frowned).

I was so tired but somehow making a few people smile gave me a boost.

I am awaiting a regular booking hehe

I think I have a mild flu bug

no scratch that, I'm a man for goodness sake, I am sure I'm dying lol

so I'm not hanging around at the moment and I am quarantining my blog.

Please wear a face mask when entering.

A good day

oh joy, oh rapture, sat at the wheel of my beloved library bus in the English countryside in the warm sun.

Translation: How the hell am I supposed to get this vehicle down that narrow lane when some idiot has parked his 4x4 in the road, oh stuff it I'm to hot and sweaty to be bothered.


But I do enjoy doing the mobile library :o)

Prize sent

I have now posted 2 prizes (and a bonus prize) to the wonderful, warm and witty Missy.

I wonder who will be receiving the prize for September?

Naughty Toad

was out delivering today and I'm afraid i damaged the truck.

I was going down a steep hill when someone pulled out in front and i had to slam the brakes on. The combination of hill and braking made the load slide forward and I ended up with a bad dent in the bulkhead (and a precarious load).

I have told the transport manager but he hasn't seen the damage yet.

The worst of it is that after months of driving around in scruffy old waggons this one was only a few months old.

Oh joy

I worked on the mobile library again today, I love doing this job AND there is a vacancy coming up! so watch this space hehe.

It was lovely to know that the library staff had missed me even if it was only because the agency had sent them some truly weird characters.

I spoke to the agency this morning and they are looking at offering me as a temp librarian\driver

I want to have a moan!

the job I was on today felt a bit crappy because the people weren't over friendly but I guess the thing with a driving job is that you don't have to spend a lot of time with people hehe.

So, it was a long day and when i got home I got a continual barrage of complaints from my partner. I should be used to it by now and normally I can cope these days but today caught me feeling a little fragile and I felt the foundations of my mental health, so recently laid, crack a little. I wanted to jump back into the waggon and just keep driving until I was far away.

Thankfully, I found support here on the net and those cracks got fixed.

My saturday job

Now that the football season is here again i have resumed my Saturday job. i assist a bookmaker at the local football stadium so i get to play wuth lots of cash hehe.
I am not really a gambler but today i placed 2 bets I bet that the final score would be 1-0 and that the first goal would be scored between 40 and 50 minutes into the game.

Final score Leeds 1 - Luton 0

goal scored at 44 minutes

I made a modest profit hehe

Top referrer for August

As partly expected Missy maintained her lead and will now receive a prize (no I won't tell you what!). It's as well that i didn't post her limerick prize yet because I can now save on postage.

At the moment darlinjo is in the lead for the September prize but that could all change lol

A measure of my success

My campaign to get people to vote for this blog on bloginterviewer has now been going 24 hours.
Votes so far 0, zero, zilch

it won't even let me vote for my own blog *sob*

Here's a little idea

I was reading in Missy's blog about the frustration of not getting a lot of blog traffic and I noticed that some people have suggested visiting lots of blogs to make sure you are noticed.

How about clicking that 'next blog' link at the top of your page once each time you up date or service your blog. That way you will see more of the bloggy world and you might a. meet people or b. see some good ideas.

Sleeping around

I was soooooo tired last night. I went upstairs to bed only to find that eldest daughter (who is ill at the moment) had fallen asleep on my bed while watching tv, my partner and two sons were also asleep on and my the bed and, bizarrely, on a camp bed near by.
I just couldn't be bothered to move people around and so, because I need to be near the alarm, I just laid on the landing with my head in the doorway and slept like that.

not a happy day

What a frustrating day!

I had it all planned out in my little head. I was delivering to a place called Chesterfield which is on the very outskirts of the area we cover, I didn't mind because my brother lives there and i was looking forward to stopping off for lunch or at least a cup of tea. I knew that i could finish the days work on time and I had arranged to do a job for a friend, only three hours but good money.

So, that's how it was supposed to be!

I had just arrived at my first stop in Chesterfield when the manager tang me an dtold me to get straight back to base as there was an emergency, there was an important delivery to do and he said I might have to work over my normal time. i made it clear that I had to finish on time.
Rushed back to base and another manager helped me off load the Chesterfield stuff and re-load the lorry, he ws worried about us getting the job done and i further 'rained on the parade' by pointing out that I was required by law to take a break.

We got to the drop off area and struggled with heavy traffic and a major detour because he tried to take me under a bridge which was 11'6 high (my lorry is 11'8).

When i finally finished, there were major delays on the motorway, now I don't normally mind sitting in traffic jams because I can amuse my self but my fuel gauge was hovering over empty and we are only allowed to fill up at base.
I made it back only to find that, while i had been out trying to save face for the company, everyone had gone home and the yard was locked up tight. I had to ring my agency who found someone with keys to open up for me. To be honest I would've quite cheerfully lefy the lorry outside knowing full well that by the next morning it would have been empty, burnt out or missing (probably all three).
So the upshot. I had to ring my friend who felt very let down (and i hate letting people down), I lost out on £60 and instead of finishing the job at 3pm I finished nearer 6.

Ok, I'm calm now lol

The nekkid toad (big in plastic)

I posted this a few weeks back but I want people to read it so I'm re-posting it! I was hoping this would be the first in a new line to challenge that bimbo Barbie.Of course there is a desperate need for more specialized Toadee dolls and in the spirit of the moment I approached a major manufacturer to suggest a nekkid Toadee doll.Here is a short except from the discussion which may help you to understand why the nekkid Toadee isn't going into production just yet.

T = Toadee
CE = Chief executive

T: I really think this could work, Ken made it big, why not Toadee?

CE: I have to say we have looked very carefully at your proposal and there are some issues.

T: Issues? ok, lets get them on the table

CE: ah, well I'm not sure we should be putting these issues on the table

T: sorry you've lost me

CE :(sotto voce) I wishCE: well the thing is, ken was, well, lacking in certain areas

T: ?

CE: he was well, not all Barbie might have hoped for, a disappointment, not all there, less than a whole man.

T: ah, got ya, but that needn't be a problem here, The toadee doll must be 100% realistic.

CE: that IS the problem

T: no, don't tell me, if you were to add the bits Ken don't have AND be realistic the cost of the extra plastic would be too high. Am I right or am I right?

CE: can I be blunt? thank you. The thing is we have spent a lot of money making scale models and market testing. The model we used was 100% accurate everything was in the proportions found on a real toadee.

T: woohoo, world plastic shortage? fainting ladies? massive fan club?

CE: actually none of the above

T: so what's the problem?

CE: we showed the Nekkid Toadee doll to 100 people
10% laughed
10% Cried
50% said that we should add something down below
20% couldn't see any difference between the Nekkid Toadee and a naked Ken
and 10% offered money for the specialist surgery for whoever the doll was based on.

so that's why you won't be getting a nekkid toadee doll in your stocking next Christmas.

Of course this is all a work of fiction (or is it?)

Hot and bothered

While I was driving today it was so hot in the cab and so, like many of my fellow drivers I was driving topless.

what bothered me though was that so many of the drivers sport rather magnificent bellys and 'man boobs' due to the fact that we spend so long sitting.

If I'm going to drive long term then i need to make sure I put in some exercise time.

I came across this picture of my daughter



my first thought was

OH NO, SHE'S A MINI MORGETRON

all things in the balance

I've been on line an awful lot over the past few days and I've had the pleasure of spending lots of time with some very good friends.

The family are all still away so I have no-one here for company. What I do have is the computer, good friends and a couple of cases of beer (well I DID have a couple of cases)

so you think you know me!

Take This Quiz - http://www03.quizyourfriends.com/takequiz.php?quizname=070825131333-844456

we have a result!

The winner of the limerick competition is

*fanfare*


Missy

so if she would like to furnish me with a mailing address I will send a prize (there again, she looks like she will win the referrer of the month prize too so I might wait and save postage hehe)

yawn

with so little to do I have been tweaking my blog which, you will be pleased to note, didn't hurt and hasn't affected my eyesight.

I have added a clistermap and a guest book.

Hmmmmmm, there appears to be a theme and that theme is..........is there anybody there?

last chance!

only 15 hours left to vote for your favourite limerick

the Holiday!

first let me explain, I lost my camera for most of the holiday.

Right, here we go!

the family had gone camping a week ago and i joined them last Saturday.

I was already aware that my partner had had a row with the site owner.......

this is the site in question



shortly after I arrived the owner came to our tent to say that my nephew and my daughter had been misbehaving (they had been winding a swing around the frame) I told him that they would be dealt with and then..............

all hell broke loose. My partner was shouting, he was shouting, I was confused.

He claimed that no-one had paid for me to stay, they had and was getting into a real temper.

The owner threatened to call the police and I burst out laughing, where I live the police deal with real issues.

He did, they came, we talked, we agreed to leave the next morning on the grounds that I would not be able to enjoy my holiday in the current atmosphere.

Next morning we moved to another site

which was very nice but unfortunately the weather wasn't brilliant

this is the site (and that isn't dirt on my lenses it's weather!)



later photos are a little clearer



the bad weather persisted and all we could do to raise out spirits was to hit the nearest pub where we ate real food and the kids gave the pool table a good seeing to





on the final (for me) day we went into Whitby and enjoyed the traditional fish and chips before the kids felt an overwhelming urge to pose



Anneliese, Sophie (mine), Natasha, Rebecca (mine), Jamie, Andi-Jane, Zoe
Jack (mine), Thomas (mine)



Sophie, Natasha, Rebecca

I came home yesterday and today has been wonderful weather :(

see you all soon

I'm am going away camping for a few days.

I will try to take some pictures.

will miss being here and will miss you all *sob*

please continue to vote for my blog hehe

http://bloginterviewer.com/religion/the-church-of-the-terminally-bemused-tim-toadee-marshall

take care my friends

the Limerick competition!

here are the entries, please vote on the poll -------------->



vargas said...
There once was a man named Elderly
who posted comments most sparingly
one day while bloggin'
I overturned my noggin
'surprised he resurfaced unexpectedly!


J Morgetron said...
The blogger "My Girlfriend is Hot" was the first to post five entries ago:

There once was this nameless dude
who took pics of his girl in the nude.
He has no shame
in this crazy blogging game.
Methinks his number one goal's to get screwed.


Rebicmel said...
I got Mona

There once was a poet named Mona
Her skills made me drink corona
Though her talent's sublime
and her poetry does rhyme
her humor is like flora and fauna.

so there you have it. Please vote!

midway report on my best referrer competition

at the moment Missy is out front with 24 referrals to my blogs. Mike (bloginterviewer) is at 19 despite early fears that he would romp home easily.
The third place is my self but I don't count so that puts Ambre in at third with 14 referrals.

Still half the month to go!

my limerick competition

couple more days for entries and then we will find a winner

cautionary tale

yesterday i received an e mail from adsense telling me that they had suspended my account because of irregularities (cheating)

I appealed but my appeal has been turned down. I have lost all mt adsense earnings and I can never have an adsense account again.

they don't actually tell me the reason but it is around to many clicks bunched together from the same IP addy. Please note that asking anyone to click your adds is against the rules too.

I have been a naughty toad, do as I say not as I do

The Nekkid Toadee

if you read the previous posting (I won't blame you if you skipped it lol) then you will have noticed Driving and Hygiene Toadee the first in a new line to challenge that bimbo Barbie.

Of course there is a desperate need for more specialized Toadee dolls and in the spirit of the moment I approached a major manufacturer to suggest a nekkid Toadee doll.

Here is a short except from the discussion which may help you to understand why the nekkid Toadee isn't going into production just yet.

T = Toadee
CE = Chief executive

T: I really think this could work, Ken made it big, why not Toadee?

CE: I have to say we have looked very carefully at your proposal and there are some issues.

T: Issues? ok, lets get them on the table

CE: ah, well I'm not sure we should be putting these issues on the table

T: sorry you've lost me

CE :(sotto voce) I wish

CE: well the thing is, ken was, well, lacking in certain areas

T: ?

CE: he was well, not all Barbie might have hoped for, a disappointment, not all there, less than a whole man.

T: ah, got ya, but that needn't be a problem here, The toadee doll must be 100% realistic.

CE: that IS the problem

T: no, don't tell me, if you were to add the bits Ken don't have AND be realistic the cost of the extra plastic would be too high. Am I right or am I right?

CE: can I be blunt? thank you. The thing is we have spent a lot of money making scale models and market testing. The model we used was 100% accurate everything was in the proportions found on a real toadee.

T: woohoo, world plastic shortage? fainting ladies? massive fan club?

CE: actually none of the above

T: so what's the problem?

CE: we showed the Nekkid Toadee doll to 100 people

10% laughed
10% Cried
50% said that we should add something down below
20% couldn't see any difference between the Nekkid Toadee and a naked Ken
and 10% offered money for the specialist surgery for whoever the doll was based on.


so that's why you won't be getting a nekkid toadee doll in your stocking next Christmas.

Of course this is all a work of fiction (or is it?)

I defy anybody to read this entire entry!

I decided that I would do a sort of photoblog of my work day, taking a photo every hour on the hour. A great idea but the results are a bit boring lol

Oh well, here goes

Introducing your driver for today it's Driving Toadee



I was concentrating lol

6am I arrive at the depot where this weeks truck waits fully loaded



by 7am I am on the A61 north of Sheffield



(bored yet?)

this section of the A61 passes through the Yorkshire forest which is the real area frequented by Robin Hood.

Soon after I deliver to Cadbury's (smelt of liquorish today) and by 8am I am approaching Sheffield centre



Arriving at Gunstone Bakeries (they do the Marks and Spencers bread and stuff) I find myself waiting for the lift at 9am



I just know you'll want to see how I debase my self so here is

Hygiene Toadee



Whilst at the bakery I take my break and treat my self to breakfast (this ones for you Karen hehe)



I am still in the staff canteen at 10am relaxing



11am finds me thundering up the M1 and taking shaky pictures



(strange that I can't use my mobile whilst driving but the law hasn't told me not to take pictures lol)

shortly after 11 I decide that I am feeling a bit tired and in need of stimulation so I pull into a service area and phone a friend. That does the trick, I am revitalised and my friend has had a momentary relief from a power cut.


By 12 I am back at the depot reloading for the second part of the day's run



I like this picture, it is so 'busy'

I am well on my way to York by 1pm



and by 2pm I am on my way back lol



(what, you're still here?)

I visit a meat packing plant in Bradford and am honoured to be allowed over the threshold (they are very strict due to hygeine regulations and then it's up the M606 (at 3pm) to the chicken packers (very smelly)



by 4pm I am back at base and my little car waits to take me home

new wave

at the moment I am delivering to bakeries, Sweet manufacturers and meat packers. I have noticed that in all these places, because wages are low, nearly all the staff are Polish. This new wave of Polish workers is quite recent but I never realised the scale of it.
I feel very awkward when I am unloading the waggon with people who I don't understand and they don't understand me. I was never any good at languages but I would like to learn a few words of Polish just so I can say thank you and goodbye etc, it must be so weird for they people (mostly young) to be here in a strange land although Leeds does have quite a large Polish community from the post war wave of immigration.

Prepare to have a fit of jealousy

went out on a different round at work today. I was being inducted to cover for one of the permanent drivers who is on holiday next week.

The first place we go is the Cadbury factory, and what do Cadbury make CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!

We are allowed to buy from the staff shop and it is so cheap. 20 Crunchies for £1. BIG bars of chocolate 40p

*walks away humming heaven, I'm in heaven*

that blooming middle name meme

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

P philosophical am I

A amorous (even if i can't spell it I can do it)

U useful, I am handy around the house and garden

L lacramose, at times

I will tag KB, Victoria, Shari and Keith

Just catching up

this week I'm driving for a contract cleaning firm so I'm collecting uniforms for cleaning and delivering clean ones.
When I reported for work yesterday morning the manager asked me if I was a vegetarian and now I know why, most of my route is to butchers and slaughter houses. The stench is terrible and if I have to walk across another yard dodging red puddles I think I'll puke.

The answer to his question? I'm not veggie but I very soon might be.

fast I say, faster

hit the link, thumbs up PLEASE

http://bloginterviewer.com/religion/the-church-of-the-terminally-bemused-tim-toadee-marshall

In appreciation

I have decided that at the end of each month i will use blog tracker to determine which INDIVIDUAL blogger has referred most hits to my blogs. This person will be rewarded.

First count will be at the end of August GMT

Throwing down a gauntlet

It is time!

time I gave something away, it's not important what i give away, but give away I shall!

I would like to challenge you, my dear visitor, to count back five entries in your own blog (if you have several use your most popular) then look at who was the first person to comment on that entry, if no-one commented then go back to the previous entry.

Once you have got a name I would like you to write a limerick about that person and put it as a comment here.

In a week or so I will ask the public to choose a winner, if the poll feature is working, and a wonderful prize will be had.

I haven't looked at the name I would come up with but I'm going to do it now (I promise not to win the prize)

Poll results

It appears that the tagging needs to stop because the majority of visitors don't like to be touched (liars!!!!)

Watch out for an all new poll!!

wow! hot or not?

was sat at the lights today and I noticed that the driver of the car in front had the most gorgeous hair. I allowed my mind to wander slightly and, on the basis of this beautiful hair, I sort of fell in lust. I followed the same vehicle for a while and then when the road became two lane I moved to overtake with an idea of the gorgeous creature already fixed in my mind.
As I passed I stole a glance and all i can say is that the hair was gorgeous from the front too.......and it was complimented by his matching beard.

A long day

everywhere i delivered today we had to unload by hand so I got home aching and tired. Does any other country have as many miles of car park as we have, we call them motorways but they seem to be used for parking most of the time. I amused myself on the way home by getting people to smile. Did this by pulling faces (works on kids), blowing kisses (works on women, especially if they are in the car with their husband), looking dramatically anguished (works on men).

Next week I am working for a dry cleaning firm (a matter close to my heart) can't wait to get a picture of my next vehicle

support the church

take some time to give the church your vote of confidence, if it wins the prize will be donated to cancer research

do it now!

http://bloginterviewer.com/religion/the-church-of-the-terminally-bemused-tim-toadee-marshall

rhe end of a very brief era

and so my time working with the LPD* comes to a close and sadly there was never a uniform in sight.

I spent hours today sat in a massive traffic jam and when I pulled into a service area for a coffee a man and his two female companions approached me. They had been in the lane next to me for miles and he asked me why i looked so happy when we had just taken 2 hours to move 3 miles.
Easy, I replied, I'm paid by the hour!

On a more worrying note I did have a bit of a panic attack whilst in heavy traffic, I suddenly felt that all the trucks in front of me were rolling back into me and that I was trapped, took so serious slow breathing and karma restoration to cope.

*Leeds Plywood and Doors

prepare to be excited

here is my trusty steed



today we galloped around Manchester area (I knew a girl from that area, lovely lass, sadly she emigrated)

Tommorrow we are heading for Birmingham area. I will take a couple of books to bookcross

A quick response to MsRose

Questions:
#1-When you bought that tux, did you think JC Penny's or Armani?
hehe, it's not really a tux but definitely more Armani than JC Penny (or UK equivalent)
#2-If you could be an M&M, what color would you be?
oh wow, choices, choices, I think I would have to be red because they seem to be a lot of people's favourite and I crave popularity.
#3-Are you a meat lover or vegetarian/vegan?
I have to admit that I am a definite carnivore
#4-What does "Bugger" mean?
AN explicative used when things go wrong, can also be used as an insult but rarely referring to it's real meaning regarding anal intercourse.
#5-Hey wait!! I didn't say booger!! Can I have that autograph now?? HEYYYY!
No you didn't! and yes you can (just as soon as I work out how lol)

thank you for such thought provoking questions MsRose, I am sure the world will be a happier, more enlightened place now.

are you bored yet?

Was out delivering doors today around South Yorkshire and Lincolnshire and quite enjoyed it (I am easily pleased).

It struck me that everyone I met was friendly and pleasant, perhaps I am wearing blinkers or maybe there is hope for the world.

And before you all start mobbing me, yes I will put up a picture of my delivery lorry hehe ( I've never had one with a bed before)

flop!

it appears that the church of the terminally bemused is a no go. I wonder if anyone could tell me if it's worth modifying or should i just kill it?

I must surely be the most boring blogger alive

got called this morning to go into work, it was multi-drop delivery which is hard work.

As I drove the streets of the area I felt strangely content, I like doing different stuff each day and a job is a job I just do my best and smile at everyone

hey Morgetron, here's your answers

1) For this question, even if you don't believe in reincarnation -- pretend you do -- and if you do believe ... well yay! Who do you believe you were in a past life? (It doesn't have to be a famous historical figure ... You might just give a description of the type of person you may have been.)
I think I was a troubadour in the court of a minor king. Charming his family and making his small victories into epics.
2) Have you ever met any "famous" people? If so, who? If not, who's on your top five list of people you'd like to meet (not necessarily famous)?
I haven't met anyone really famous. The people I most want to meet are 'real' people. I am not going to list names because that would be (a) embarrassing and (b) dangerous but they are all people I've met on the internet.
3) What are three things you feel you must do before your die?
(1) see 2 above (2) visit several other countries, ideally touch ever continent. (3) Live
4) In your opinion, what constitutes "cheating" in a relationship?
Not being honest about your feelings
5) Of the fictional characters (in TV, books, movies, plays, etc.) you've encountered, who would make the best LOVER AND why?
Ayla from the Earth's Children series because she is so in touch with nature and her senses and she is without deceit

Interview rules: Leave me a comment saying “Interview me next" or "Hit me with your best shot" or something along those lines letting me know you're down to be questioned. :D
I’ll respond by commenting back on your blog with your five questions. I get to pick the questions.You will then update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
So, who wants to give it a go? Leave a comment and let me know if you're down to let me do you next. At least one of you has to let me do an interview with ya. It'll be easy, fun, virtually painless and you'll enjoy it. :D
Anyone else up for an interview? See my blog and leave a comment!

it's not easy!

I realised on Friday that a writing competition which i intended entering had a closing date of 31st July. I decided that i could still get an entry in but I hadn't bargained for my usual weekend. It is very difficult to get time for my self on a weekend and by the time I do it's usually so late that I can barely type let alone put together a piece that has any chance of winning.
In the end I have used a short story I have already written, not my best work but at least I entered.

on being interviewed

I have told two people that they may interview me and that is quite enough for now hehe

I just know that you are all desperate to ask me questions so I have decided that, apart from the two i have already said can interview me, anyone can ask me ONE question (and I might even a. reply, b. be honest, c. still talk to them)

an abandoned toad

arggggggg! in the last two days my daughter Sophie has gone away on a school trip to SE France and best pal has gone on holiday.

Poor toad sits here feeling sorry for himself and trying to get lots of work to pay of debts but mainly to fill time.

ok, I'll do it for you Missy and Jo

1. What is your middle name: Paul
2. Color pants are you wearing? Black
3. What are you listening to now? Silence
4. What was the last thing you had to drink? Tea
5. Do you wish on stars? Oh yes!!!!!
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple
7. How is the weather right now? Hot and close
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My sister
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? They both seem good to me lol
10. Favorite drink? Sicilean red wine
11. Favorite sport? running
12. Hair color? Brown
13. Siblings? 1 sister, 2 brothers
14. Favorite month: October
15. Favorite food? Pate (if I have to choose)
16. What was the last movie you saw? The Sweetest Thing
17. Favorite day of the year: 31st October
18. What do you do to vent anger? run
19. What was your favorite toy as a child? toy train
20. Summer or winter? summer
21. Hugs or kisses? mainly hugs but kisses when it counts
22.Car or motorcycle? car
23. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate
24. Do you want your friends to do this? friends? what friends?
25. Who is most likely to do this self-survey? bit late to ask that lol
26. Who is least likely to respond? anyone who hasn't by now!
27. When was the last time you cried? yesterday
28. What is under your bed? sun lounger
29. Who is the friend you have had the longest? this is so sad (Karen, about 3 years)
30. What did you do last night? celebrated my daughter's birthday and fell asleep on my chair
31. What are you afraid of? being alone
32. Plain or buttered or salted popcorn? Butter
33. Favorite car? vauxhall cavalier
34. Favorite flower? roses
35. How many keys on your key ring? 5
36. How many years at your current job? 7 weeks
37. What did you do on your last birthday? spent the best bit on line with friends then did some trick or treating
38. How many states have you lived in?1
39.did you have fun with this? yep
40. Who are you going to send this to? no-one lol

I am behind

I seem to be posting a day behind at the moment, I'm just so slow.

Yesterday was my daughter's birthday and as always the sun shone for her so it was swimsuits in the garden, wine and beer.

I was completely exhausted and woke up in my chair at 3am which is why I wasn't on line for long.

I have journeyed far

completed my trip down south. I was delivering a van load of LaSenza Knickers to their warehouse near Heathrow. A quiet, uneventful journey which i found quite relaxing although I did have a row with the Sat nav!

Blooming weekends!

I have had a rather traumatic weekend.

Marital relations are not good and much of the weekend has been a case of me not being talked to. There was a time when I relished this silence but I do need some human interaction and I felt quite lonely. Last night my eldest daughter broke up with her b\f because he found out that she had kissed someone. She was drunk and the lad 'persuaded' her to go off with him. This is very scary and she has been told in no uncertain terms that she does not drink outside the home and at home only with expressed permission.

Today has been a day of tears and my only respite was a couple of minutes on line when I touched base with my best friend, I was amazed that so brief a contact could restore me so much.

a travelling toad

I've always wanted to travel and finally my prayers have been answered. The agency want me to drive a delivery down to Middlesex on Monday hehe

It will be a pleasant change and a chance to release some bookcrossing books

My 'church'

I think my 'church' must be the quietest place on the planet lol

Writing Group

Had a great time at the writing group although there was much sadness at the thought of not meeting until September. The people there tonight were just what I needed to lift my spirits as I'd felt myself descending into a pit of despair all day and nearly didn't do.