the karmic nature of my health

when I was first diagnosed with depression I was (predictably) wondering what the point was and, as I began to make my first recovery I struggled with how the depression had changed my life, taken away opportunities and stained my memories. Depression is such a pointless thing and i really was resolved to cancel my subscription especially as some very special people didn't want me to be sad.
Then I get the second health blow, I suddenly find I have a heart condition and my future options are even more limited.
Either of these health problems is bad on it's own but I suddenly realise the heart thing gives meaning to the depression. people (professionals) look at my heart diagnosis and sort of mutter things like 'this could kill you' they then offer counselling to help me cope. Ha I don't need counselling because I have had a low level depression for years and death no longer holds any fear for me as in:-
'you might die tomorrow'
'that's ok, I have nothing to live for' (Ok not strictly true, I have one thing left and when I get there it will mean I need to live for a very long time)

Suddenly I don't think I'm making sense but at least I've found a way for depression to make me happy. Isn't the human brain an amazing thing?

Gifts for the after-life

What a wonderful idea! So many cultures have felt that it is important to leave items at or in the grave to assist their loved one in the next life.

Today we went to the chapel of rest to visit my brother in law, there was some conversation about what items could be placed in the coffin with him.
Most of the men present agreed that he would appreciate a porn magazine. My niece (his daughter) wants to give him a photograph of the two of them and a bottle of tomato ketchup (he put the stuff on everything!)

flash 55 - leaving

You left without warning
leaving memories
As the door closed on your life
only echos of your life and love remain

In the silence
we feel you near
and as we open pain filled hearts
memories and love fill us, renew us
and forge anew the links of love
bestowing on you a precious immortality

I am so drained

I'm sat here looking ar comments on my blog. I really appreciate that prople visit and comment and at the moment I feel so drained that I can't seem to gather the energy to respond. I am going through a phase of having nothing to say which doesn't make great blogging.

We are trying to cope with the death of my brother in law. Fielding phone calls from his ex partner and being patient with the more annoying family members is hard work and we are also trying to shield his daughter from some of the rumours that are being circulated both inside and outside the family about the circumstances of his death

Writing group exercise

Part of this is from experience but I won't say which part hehe

See You Soon


The lights shifted, taunting me, throwing me off balance.

As I lay down, the room spun, I felt as though I was slipping, as though I was starting to fall. In free fall across space.

It became impossible to say with any certainty which was the floor and which the ceiling. Spinning, losing control.

I reached out and let my fingers brush the floor, grounding myself , finding a point of reference. The room stopped. My head continued it's savage journey.

Events of the evening flashed by the anticipation of freedom, the excitement of hitting the clubs with the guys and hopefully hitting on someone for the night.

Pictures replaying in my mind, fast forward, playing, pause on that brunette! Running over the action in crystal clear slow motion. The music hammered at our brains as we necked beer after beer. The cheers as I went for it on the tequila run and the hands supporting me as I headed for a seat and found the floor.

Fast forward again. In the street, loud and hard, invincible. Remembering how I started to flag and grinning as my mate slipped me an E.

Blurred images of jeering faces and people on the floor, blood and sirens, running and laughing taking a taxi,

Was it only moments ago falling through my door?

------------------------------------------------------------------------



A figure, dark and silent, face hidden by a deep cowl stands watching me. I struggle to focus, needing to see the figures face but somehow knowing I won't, can't.

I want to turn away, I want to dismiss my tormentor but I feel a coldness around my heart and all I feel is fear as I realise who this is and begin to recount the deeds and misdeeds of my short life.

The figure raises one emaciated hand and a fleshless finger beckons me, demanding obedience.

I whimper and begin to cry out

'not yet! I can't, don't make me'

The figure moves slowly, having all time, and none in which to fulfil it's duty. As it turns away it speaks, no more than a whisper but I hear those words forever

'I'll see YOU soon'