Saturday, 30 January 2010

could this be it?

seems that the new medication is helping without doping me up so fingers crossed I can get back to work.
It's strange how I can measure the effectiveness of treatment by seeing events in my life recognising that I am almost automatically putting a positive spin on it.

I've had a terrible thought though. If my meds are now sorted and my mood is going to stay ok then what the hell am I going to write about?

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

once more into the breech....

Yet another visit to the doctor. It's getting difficult to find meds that I can have! but here we go with another. I stopped taking the one that was knocking me out yesterday and hardly slept a wink all night. The doctor gave me a sick note for a week to give me chance to adapt so we'll see how it goes.
Just one complaint, those other tablets did make me sleep a lot but there was a plus side, I was having rather good dreams (wish I could remember them better because I could probably sell them to Playboy)

Monday, 25 January 2010

More whinging

so...... I went back to the doctor and she was very apologetic. I lent her my list of drugs I can't have and she has scanned it into my notes.
The doctor managed to find an anti-depressant that I can have so all seemed well.She did comment on the fact that the new tablet might cause some drowsiness and said I should take it on an evening.

I stopped taking the original tablet and the following day I started the new one. The next thing I knew I was waking up on the sofa. I staggered up stairs to go to bed only to be told that the alarm had just gone off - time to get up!
I went to work but realised that I couldn't possibly drive so, with my manager's agreement I went home. That was a week ago. I am currently sleeping about 17 hours a day and feeling dizzy the rest of the time. Tomorrow I am going back to the doctors. I almost think I'd rather be depressed!

Friday, 15 January 2010

arggggg, get it right!

So, i started the anti-depressant and, as expected, it kicked in and I'm starting to feel more positive. The same issues are there and I still need to address them but now when I ponder I am not falling into a bottomless pit of despair but am constructing futures and seeing some positives whilst acknowledging the negatives.
Well that's great!
would be except......
I have now realised that the anti-depressant I am on is not to be given to people with Long QT (the heart condition I have recently found I've always had) because it lengthens the QT gap, which is already too long. This means that I will have to go back to the doctor, tell her that she prescribed the wrong stuff, come off this one and start another so god knows where my head will be.

bear with me lol

Friday, 8 January 2010

don't read this if you hate whingers

I'm just going to say this once because once is enough to get it out of my system so please bear with me for a moment.

At the moment I'm losing the struggle with depression and anxiety, I've re-started my medication but they they time to kick in. The truth is I feel like giving in but I am just going to wait, wait for something good to start happening or wait for the end. Just waiting.

(I don't usually tell people when I'm feeling this bad)

I know that I am at a stage where every thought and deed is self destructive and that I have\will destroy the good things in my life so I really need to shut up and let it pass but then I also feel that I need to constantly provide assurances that I do value the good things and that gets counter-productive so.....

Part of me knows that this will pass and I just wonder if there will be anything left when I emerge.

Monday, 4 January 2010

Not liking this

I have been decidedly shaky in the emotion department lately so this morning I went to see my doctor. She had a chat with me and has restarted my anti-depressants which I'm feeling pretty crap about. She advised me not to make any big decisions for a while but on my return home I sort of got talked into a corner and ended up sort of revealing my half formed feelings and showing my hand.

I'm feeling shitty at the moment but I still don't know where I'm going so bear with me.

oh and to finish the day nicely I got (admittedly mild) hate mail because I didn't answer someone's message quickly enough!

Saturday, 2 January 2010

take heart

having not blogged for months I now find myself writing the 3rd blog of the day. Talk about opening flood gates.

On Christmas day I started on the medication that I will probably be on for the rest of my life. It's a beta blocker and it is supposed to stop my heart going into arythmia (because I have been diagnosed with Long Q-T syndrome). When they told me I had this syndrome I actually laughed because it is at it's most dangerousin the teens and can be fatal. So there i was laughing in the face of death. The consultant talked to me about medication, I was goin gto say don't bother but he said there was still a risk and that the medication would reduce this by 50%. Being a coward I went for the longer life option. THEN he says we will have to be careful because I already have a tachycardic sinus rhythm so the medication might make it too slow.
(sorry I'm rambling).
So here I am a week into medication and every day I have a strange sensation in my chest. Unfortunately I have also suffered from anxiety so that muddies the water. he point is suddenly it's not a joke any more and I'm scared.
I have things, important things, I want to do with my life and the reminder that I am mortal worries me. I suddenly feel that I want to rush into things that should take time and that upsets the balance.

Oh well, that's enough of that, I've ranted enough :0)

I'm not really here

I haven't blogged for a while (sorry to both my readers, if there are still that many) The reason is that life is getting complicated and I don't really feel I can blog about it all because, as it stands, this blog is a public forum and there are people out there or I don't particularly want to read my blogs.
I now have two choices
1. scrap this blog and just put writing etc on the other one
2. leave it alone and perhaps write the very occasional 'clean' post
3. make this blog private and invite those who I am comfortable with (and who can put up with my whinging)

so oh you legion of followers, tell me what to do

oh and a belated happy new year :0)