the karmic nature of my health

when I was first diagnosed with depression I was (predictably) wondering what the point was and, as I began to make my first recovery I struggled with how the depression had changed my life, taken away opportunities and stained my memories. Depression is such a pointless thing and i really was resolved to cancel my subscription especially as some very special people didn't want me to be sad.
Then I get the second health blow, I suddenly find I have a heart condition and my future options are even more limited.
Either of these health problems is bad on it's own but I suddenly realise the heart thing gives meaning to the depression. people (professionals) look at my heart diagnosis and sort of mutter things like 'this could kill you' they then offer counselling to help me cope. Ha I don't need counselling because I have had a low level depression for years and death no longer holds any fear for me as in:-
'you might die tomorrow'
'that's ok, I have nothing to live for' (Ok not strictly true, I have one thing left and when I get there it will mean I need to live for a very long time)

Suddenly I don't think I'm making sense but at least I've found a way for depression to make me happy. Isn't the human brain an amazing thing?

out of line

today I was thinking about straight lines, don't ask me why because I don't know I guess i am just blessed with truly random thoughts and this means I can spend long periods alone without getting bored.
Yes, lines, straight ones, boring ones, not a single kink, not a solitary bend and I like kinky, I like a bit of unexpectedness, a few bobbley bits and one or two random changes of direction. The best thing that can be said about a straight line is that it's quick as in the shortest, the most direct route. I like that it's quick because it's over sooner and I can get back to meandering. Meandering, now that IS good it's full of sexy curves and nice surprises, it's serendipitous and serendipity is precious to me because it has adventure and lots of learning, there are no sharp angles with meandering so no nasty corners to bang yourself on every change of direction is smooth and easy and that's the way i aspire to be.
AS I write the story of my life I want to remember that life shouldn't be a straight line birth--------------------death it should be full of curls and loops, it should be twisted and kinky and most of all it should have a healthy dose of unexpected. Yes the story might have me walking off cliffs but I'm writing the next chapter as well and that's the chapter where the parachute opens or the trampoline comes into view.

Hmmmmmmm, yes, straight lines. Interesting

the blogging future

well, I decided on the future of this blog. After considering feedback and carefully analysing the demographics I will be keeping the blog public this is because

a. I have absolutely nothing to hide from the current readers I know of

b. Any random members of the public who wander in can think what they like because they have no influence or part to play in my life

c. If people close to me decide to come and read the blog then they will just have to accept who I am and live with it (or not) their decision.

I am me and from now on when life gives me lemons I will juggle with them (and perhaps throw the odd one at those who deserve it)

could this be it?

seems that the new medication is helping without doping me up so fingers crossed I can get back to work.
It's strange how I can measure the effectiveness of treatment by seeing events in my life recognising that I am almost automatically putting a positive spin on it.

I've had a terrible thought though. If my meds are now sorted and my mood is going to stay ok then what the hell am I going to write about?

the sum of my life

over the years I have received lots of advice on how to cope with my negative thoughts and confusion about life the universe and everything. One such piece of advice was to look at the positive aspects of your life (and make a point of celebrating them and thinking about them often) and to look at the negative aspects and make a plan to deal with, accept or dump them.

Because I approach everything in such a scientific, unemotional way I just shortened it to

(experience+desires)/fears = life

but I may have misinterpreted the whole idea of summing up my life

oh no! real life!

throughout my history of internet use I have made many friends and a few enemies (or is it the other way around?)

Thus far I have never mixed my internet life with my real life but now i feel that the times are, as Bob said, a changing. For the first time I have started talking to people about my blog and inviting them to visit. My blog is pretty much me so there shouldn't be many surprises. I guess the biggest worry is if a real life friend starts spilling the beans about me, you know confirming that I really am a toad and that I look up to hobbits and smell like the messy end of a rat with diarrhoea.