Tuesday, 30 October 2007

I am so drained

I'm sat here looking ar comments on my blog. I really appreciate that prople visit and comment and at the moment I feel so drained that I can't seem to gather the energy to respond. I am going through a phase of having nothing to say which doesn't make great blogging.

We are trying to cope with the death of my brother in law. Fielding phone calls from his ex partner and being patient with the more annoying family members is hard work and we are also trying to shield his daughter from some of the rumours that are being circulated both inside and outside the family about the circumstances of his death

Monday, 29 October 2007

irregular blogging

some days i blog 2\3 times, other days I struggle to blog at all.

I have days when I have so many ideas to blog and I often tell myself that I should save some for the lean times but that's just not the way I am so I write as I think, in spurts, randomly and when i can.


Due to a family breavement my presence here may be a little sporadic for a while.

More when i am able.

Saturday, 27 October 2007


my wonderful co worker tells me that the ex topless model Samantha Fox is now a lesbian. He was puzzled as to why\how as she is still attractive and has no need to adopt a lesbian life-style.

We realised that some lesbians are attractive and when he questioned their motivation for choosing such a life style I have to admit I was stumped as to how to explain this in terms he could relate to.

Forgive me please but I finally found an acceptable and suitably chauvinistic answer.these attractive women have chosen lesbianism purely because they haven't met me yet.

This is tongue in cheek although I'm not sure he took it as such.

breast implants

Today was a day of exploring many varied topics as my co worker and I trawled the streets for fly tipping.

Quite how we got onto the topic of breast augmentation I can't recall but I found myself in the unlikely position of 'resident expert'

How do they make them bigger he asked , I explained about silicone and bags of other semi viscous liquids.

Why do they make them bigger? I explained the perception that bigger is better (we explored this concept and agreed that a pensioner who can still poke your eye out is a strange and frankly unnerving sight)

how can they feed a baby?
explained about the mechanics of surgery which leaves all relevant ducts attached and working.

flash 55, goodbye

I have to go away.
It hurts to leave so soon
when we wanted and planned
so much together.

Please don't weep
for you have filled my heart
and i will return,
not as I am
but without the weakness of this form
and I will be entirely of love
to always dwell with you.

Thursday, 25 October 2007

Do you like fanny?

so asked my co worker today.
Apparently the area we were working is a favourite with the cleansing team because it is a largely student area and at 7.30 in the morning lots of young females are wandering around their bedrooms semi clothed. It seems that students are so poor (or landlords so mean) that they often don't have curtains and, if my co worker is to be believed, these young ladies have no shame.

I should explain that the word fanny was used in the English rather than the US context.

A load of rubbish and a Yorkshire saying

For the rest of the week I am working for the local council on rubbish collection and street cleaning. I am now officially one of the invisible men who tidy up the streets and i will kill anyone who drops litter!

There is a Yorkshire saying 'where there's muck there's brass (money)' and it is so true, whilst walking along picking litter from the street I happened upon a £5 note hehe.

An achievement

The driving agency had me booked in to drive for the local council most of this week but the council insist that they assess all drivers before they drive council vehicles. This morning i went for my assessment.

I PASSED with flying colours.

apparently I should have done this assessment before I was allowed to drive the mobile library, whoops!!!

I don't believe it

the ladies of the house decided they wanted to go to Ikea this evening so I emptied the lawnmower petrol into the car (yes it's that tight at the moment) and off we trundled.

The car began to overheat on the way but It cooled down and we reached our destination. On the way back we had got to within a mile of home when the engine started making very nasty noises which quickly got worse, it sounds to me like it's thrown a rod. I stopped the car and while my partner sat in and steered daughter, niece and I pushed (and jumped on the back when we hit a down hill). I am counting my blessings that the car cost us nothing and we haven't spent much on it.

So two vehicles in two days.

Do you hate anyone enough to hire them the chauffeur of death hehe

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

my break down

Heading home from a long day around Sheffield where I was attempting to deliver water to non existant addresses.
As I left the city amidst the rush hour traffic I began to lose power and at the appropriate time (a narrow stretch, dense woodland, no civilisation etc) I ground to a halt.
After much messing with mobiles with no credit and people with no clue I am safely home 20 minutes ago)

Boo to the South Yorkshire police for the Shift your bl**dy vehicle attitude (no I didn't stop to admire the view or be a nuisance)

Cheers for T mobile for GIVING me £5 credit on my phone as a goodwill gesture.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

On being a sausage

I wish I was a sausage
oh what a life it is
just lying in a nice warm pan
plink, bang, fizz

I 'd get an even sun tan
without using factor eight
and then I'd join the eggs and beans
lying on the plate

Sunday, 21 October 2007

A (very) short break

I will be away from my desk for a couple of days (at the most)

abnormal service will resume very shortly

Rugby World Cup

I will blog this only once.

England threw it away, giving away 2 penalties so early was pointless and lets face it South Africa didn't need the gifts.

I do feel a certain national pride that we reached the final but it was a shock anfd I think we were lucky to get there this time.

A world of English teachers

Is it just me or are teachers of english breeding (I know they do breed, my sister in law is one but are they breeding faster) and more to the point, are they skipping childhood and producing fully functional (semi) adult english teachers?
Everywhere I go they are there. I go to school and there is a whole nest of them (I understand they like to use the collective 'department'), I indulge my few pleasures; my writer's group, run by one and frequented by a posse; my internet world, incomplete without a visit to Tres Bizarre written by........ an english teacher

making all things positive

I am having lots of technical problems with my computer at the moment. One of these resilts in me being unable to post long articles in my blog (I don't know the exact length).

What a great opportunity to learn brevity and to practice writing in an economic style.

Friday, 19 October 2007

flash55, badly written but heartfelt

If fate gave me a fortune
I'd still be incomplete
without the richness of your laughter,
the joy of your heart,
and the safe haven of your embrace.
I can never be poor
whilst feeling the eternity of your love
I can feel no cold or pain
in the warmth and peace of your arms

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

How I use my blog

you know that I dislike bring put into categories and boxes and i hope you know that I like to be as honest as possible. My blog is a bit random and I hope that adds a little excitement (yawn). I love sharing bits of my self (don't get excited, the best bits were auctioned off ages ago).

Of late there have been issues in my life which it wouldn't be appropriate to write about here as my blog is unfiltered but I maintain a live journal account for that very reason.

Eat your words!

I decided to spend my mandatory break having a snooze today so when the time came I parked up in a side street and slipped into dreamland.

10 minutes later i was awoken by repeated sounding of a horn and i opened my eyes to see an angry man pulled up along side me. I opened my window and asked if i could help.

'Are you alright' he enquired
'yes, fine' I replied
'I'm your operations manager'
'Oh, hello'

He went quite puce and them shouted at me

' I don't like finding my drivers parked up for a secret sleep'

'I'm sure you don't' I replied 'but I'm just on my break and you will find it all logged on my tachograph'

'Oh' he said 'OK'

and sped off

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

pointless blog

I'm absolutely knackered!
didn't get to bed until about 2 am last night, up at 4.30 to get to work., finished work at 6 got home at 7.45 had to get daughter to Hockey for 8 then took M in L home. Need to be up at 4.30 again in the morning.

So what, I hear you chorus, are you doing here, Mr Toad?

Don't know!

see you all soon

Sunday, 14 October 2007

top referrer for October

At this half way point It may surprise you to know that Missy is in the lead (but won't be winning as I have changed the rules hehe). Second place at present is held by Snowelf

my thoughts on my quandry

....... I suddenly realised that
a) I enjoy blogging for it's own sake
B) I feel that I have some good friends in bloggerland (both old and new).

I realise now that I don't want to abuse the friends I have by bombarding them with ads and I don't want to cheapen my blog by using it as a vehicle to make rich people richer, I'm worth more than that.

In conclusion, I think I will stay poor and happy for now and if I do decide to blog for money I will do it in a different blog where my literary prostitution can be clearly defined.

my quandry

The toad family are not very wealthy at the moment. I have only recently returned to work following 2 years off sick and I now earn far less than i used to.

One of the reasons why I started blogging was because I had heard that there was money to be made.

I signed up for adsense but just before I was due my first pay out they said that there were irregularities and banned me from having an adsense account.

Then i looked at pay per blog which seems to earn some people a lot of money, it looked promising but.......

how strange

I have a post which i have tried and tried to put on blogger and it just won't do it


I just need to mention in passing that England are in the final of the rugby world cup!

Friday, 12 October 2007

Toad on the road

Friday I'm driving down to Devon to deliver a car. There will be 4 drivers taking 4 vehicles and I'm starting to feel like I'm about to make a 'road' movie.

Will be a good chance to launch the toadSmiles campaign hehe

Flash 55 time again

Your face contorts as you move rhythmically.
A light sheen coats your skin.

As you move faster your breath comes in gasps and a groan escapes your lips.

Your muscles tighten as you reach for fulfilment, every nerve alive, crying out.

With a final thrust you collapse sated.

I LOVE watching you at the gym!

Thursday, 11 October 2007


I have to say this, Blogrush is generating almost 50% of my traffic at the moment. I'm glad I signed up for it, was a bit sceptical as there are so many promises around regarding ways to increase traffic to your site, but this works.


Job Centre

It's over
while I wait to begin
at the end of the road
looking back

I wonder if it's possible to believe
that what's behind
can give me hope
that the road so far
can pave future ways

The carefully placed building blocks
my firm foundation
lie cracked and broken
hardcore for another future

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

They are not amused

These last few days I've been working for a courier firm delivering parcels. The drivers manifest often has special instructions for delivery and in some cases it will say 'leave safe' if an item can be left, out of plain sight, without a signature.
I came across a parcel today (a very nice laptop) beside which was the instruction 'do not leave safe' I couldn't resist telling them that I'd left it propped up on the gate post. They were not amused.

I also deviated from the usual route because one of my deliveries was some flowers for a lady in an office and if I had delivered in order I would have got there to late.

Monday, 8 October 2007



Give no sign
not word
or smile
our balance is precarious

don't go ahead
stay behind
masks of indifference

never reveal
forever concealed
dream on

feign coolness
but know
the heart beats still within

An enlightening conversation

Was stood at the bus stop a few days ago when a young man approached.

'Number 4 stop here?' he asked

'don't know' I replied

'you don't know?'

'no, sorry mate'

(there was a lengthly pause and then)

'What you waiting for?'

'number 770'

'does that stop here'


'but the 4 doesn't?'

' I don't know'

'can you catch number 4?'

'I could'

'does it come this way?'


luckily my bus (that's the 770 not the 4) came at this point.

Britain's national dish

there has always been discussion about which dish is synonymous with British culture and often we find that there are regional variations and preferences.
A new survey solves the problem once and for all:

The British eat 95% of all the baked beans produced in the world!

no wonder the UK is so windy!

Saturday, 6 October 2007


I have decided to declare myself a freestyle blogger in order to assert my freedom to do, or not do.

Freestyle because I change at a whim but also because front crawl sounds vaguely naughty and breast stroke is not even vague.

Bombs away!!!!

Yesterday an RAF jet 'lost' a dummy\practice bomb somewhere over northern England. An RAF spokesperson said that the public are safe as the device is not dangerous.


I live in Northern England and it's reassuring to know that if I ever see one of these 31 pound concrete 'bombs' hurtling towards me from on high it's not going to hurt me!


Today was just one of those days, everywhere I went I was stuck in traffic jams. As usual I amused myself by smiling at drivers next to me and pulling faces at children hehe. I usually find that my smiles are answered by puzzled looks or embarrassment, shame!
Then I heard an item on the radio, today is (or was) national smile day. I grabbed a piece of A4 and a marker pen and wrote on it
TODAY IS NATIONAL SMILE DAY (drew a little smiley on there too) then I stuck my sign on my window (side not front lol).
The change in people was amazing, everyone was smiling at me, cars full of people were laughing and grinning, I was laughing, the world was a better place.
National smile say is just one day but I'm on the road most days and I'm gonna make me a sign to get people smiling all year round.

Friday, 5 October 2007

Regarding Naked toads

Because a number of you have received a certain calendar featuring semi naked football players the time has come to address a very important issue.

I know that you are all absolutely dying for me to bring out the naked toad calendar and, to be honest, there is a part of me which yearns for the fame and adoration that it would bring.


I am sorry to disappoint you all. I am no the man I once pretended to be and the window of opportunity for such an action has passed.

Please understand that I have made this decision with your best interests at heart.
I could sell you a dream but then we would end up getting into costly litigation when I failed to deliver.

It's flash 55 time again

They do not stand close together
there is no need
their faces seem distant
both lost, deep in thought.

Her hand, proprietal
touches his arm
lingering slightly longer
than is necessary

telling the world
more clearly than any words
that he is taken,
he belongs.

The old man shrugs her off impatiently
'stop fussing woman!'

Thursday, 4 October 2007

kinds of blogger

I am but a simple soul and something has been worrying me, laying heavy upon my consciousness and troubling my dreams.

What sort of blogger am I?

I keep seeing people described as political, creative, funny etc etc and when I go to join a community or blogging group I come to that point where it says

'what is your blog about'


'which of these categories best describes your blog'

I DON'T KNOW! and I am not sure I want to be squeezed into a box. I would hate to log in and know that today I have to be funny or I must say something intelligent about the current political climate in the northern provinces of some minor state.

Personally I want the freedom to be odd and be different, I credit my reader(?s) with enough intelligence to know when I'm being silly and if someone laughs at my rambling then it must be funny.

To tell you the truth, it scares me a little because if you say you will write in a certain way people have expectations and I have found that, in my opinion, the bloggers who make the biggest deal out of being 'humourous' aren't (perhaps it's the strain of making humour a chore rather than a pleasure to be dipped into at random)

Hey look, today I'm a confused, ranting blogger

A request for help

My friend Pinkagirl does a sponsored book release each year to raise money for cancer research I know she would be overjoyed if people could sponsor her (you can just give a fixed amount and it's very easy and painless)


if you want to know more about what she is doing


thank you my friends

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

I wish to make a complaint

This week the agency has me doing van deliveries for a small firm which provides lighting.

When they contacted me they told me that it was just light deliveries well let me tell you, some of those boxes are bl**dy heavy!!

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

The New zealand Flag

I hear that there is a suggestion that New Zealand should remove the union flag from the top corner of the NZ flag.

Let me say here and now that this would set a dangerous precedent, before you know it the Aussies will follow suit (those that haven't already) and if we aren't careful those Yanks will start getting the idea that they can be independent.

I feel that there is a certain amount of ingratitude within this suggestion. We Brits when to a lot of trouble to teach the Kiwis how to play rugby, to help the Aussies develop some skill at cricket and teach the Americans how to speak (and spell) in english (OK the latter didn't work out to well).

Wow, it's hard to rant with your tongue in your cheek hehe

Monday, 1 October 2007

Top referrer for September

After a very close last week, Missy has come out on top (again!!!). Thank you all for linking to me and for the friendship and support that that signifies.

Missy, I have your addy already lol

I am now going to change the rules so that the same person can't win 2 months running (You have to give the others a chance Missy hehe)

Writing group exercise

Part of this is from experience but I won't say which part hehe

See You Soon

The lights shifted, taunting me, throwing me off balance.

As I lay down, the room spun, I felt as though I was slipping, as though I was starting to fall. In free fall across space.

It became impossible to say with any certainty which was the floor and which the ceiling. Spinning, losing control.

I reached out and let my fingers brush the floor, grounding myself , finding a point of reference. The room stopped. My head continued it's savage journey.

Events of the evening flashed by the anticipation of freedom, the excitement of hitting the clubs with the guys and hopefully hitting on someone for the night.

Pictures replaying in my mind, fast forward, playing, pause on that brunette! Running over the action in crystal clear slow motion. The music hammered at our brains as we necked beer after beer. The cheers as I went for it on the tequila run and the hands supporting me as I headed for a seat and found the floor.

Fast forward again. In the street, loud and hard, invincible. Remembering how I started to flag and grinning as my mate slipped me an E.

Blurred images of jeering faces and people on the floor, blood and sirens, running and laughing taking a taxi,

Was it only moments ago falling through my door?


A figure, dark and silent, face hidden by a deep cowl stands watching me. I struggle to focus, needing to see the figures face but somehow knowing I won't, can't.

I want to turn away, I want to dismiss my tormentor but I feel a coldness around my heart and all I feel is fear as I realise who this is and begin to recount the deeds and misdeeds of my short life.

The figure raises one emaciated hand and a fleshless finger beckons me, demanding obedience.

I whimper and begin to cry out

'not yet! I can't, don't make me'

The figure moves slowly, having all time, and none in which to fulfil it's duty. As it turns away it speaks, no more than a whisper but I hear those words forever

'I'll see YOU soon'